Etiquette/Norms/Mores/Social Constructions. . .LEARN 'EM ALREADY.

As a budding, er, young professional trying to earn a living, I have started to make some observations about the business world. I've learned that some people are, like me, just trying to earn that paycheck. I've learned that others are complete dicks and consider themselves better than everyone else. And I've learned that there are some pretty genuine people out there.

I work in a fairly nice office building. It's 10 stories, solid AC, nice maintenance guy. The elevators sound like they're going to snap and fall every time I get in them, but other than that I like this place. You run into a lot of different people when you work in a building that houses dozens of offices. Most of them, aside from the people down the hall who burn incense and stink up our floor, seem like decent humans. But then there are days, like today for example, where I question what kind of people (men in particular) I am coexisting with in this structure. All this said, I must pose the question to not just men, but to everyone: what man would think that pissing on a toilet seat and leaving behind a plethora of pubic hair is acceptable?

Seriously. If one must urinate in a stall, not the urinals, it would make sense to at least pick up the seat. You'd have to be pretty confident in your stream to believe that you wouldn't have the smallest bit stray from your intended course. Even if your aim is impeccable, it's not worth the risk. And also, notice that I had previously used the word "plethora" to describe the amount of pubic hair. When it comes to pubic hair, or ANY hair for that matter, on a PUBLIC TOILET, one hair is a too many, more than one is a plethora. There were at least 4 or 5. Unacceptable. It seems to me you'd have to posses one of three qualities to achieve such a gross misuse of a public space: A.) Blind B.) Drunk as hell C.) A complete jackass. Perhaps their could be a combination of all three.

Whatever the case, it's just wrong. Very, very wrong. I don't need to beat this topic to death, so I will sum it up with one word: SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK.

"I Will Most Likely Not Be Your Friend If. . ."

I will most likely not be your friend if you enjoy, to any degree, doing the Electric Slide or any other group-based choreographed dance generally done at large formal gatherings, parties, or conventions. This includes, but is not limited to: the funky chicken, the Macarena, or the eternally irritating YMCA. For the most part these atrocities, sometimes regrettably referred to as "music," are played at weddings and school dances. Anyone who hates these songs, and has ever been to a wedding, for the most part will wait out the dancing aspect before hitting the dance floor. One must feel out the vibe of the music before throwing themselves into the mix, because before long the greasy, drunk 80 year-old DJ is bound to throw down on some shit. Here's the way it generally goes down:

A dude is sitting at his table, perhaps drinking a refreshing beer or a nice cocktail, and is enjoying a conversation with a friend he hasn't seen in a while. Low and behold, Charlie McDipshit the DJ throws on the Electric Slide. Every stupid idiot starts screaming with excitement. Now, the dude knows what's about to happen, but he can't stop it. Some over-excited girl that he thought was a good friend scrambles over to the table, grabs his arm, and begins to playfully pull him in the direction of the dance floor. The dude does not appreciate this. He was enjoying himself where he was. He apologizes, smiles, and politely refuses to join her explaining that he "would rather die than dance to that irritating song." The girl, whose friends have already begun to "slide to the left," throws a fit and begins pulling a little more forcefully. The dude, realizing that she is now making a scene, acquiesces and joins her, but half asses the movements. He hates his friend now.

We've all been there. If it hasn't happened it us, it's happened to someone we know. I hate the way people react when these songs come on. They act like doing the Electric Slide is compulsory. It's compulsory for insecure prats. These are the same people that, when asked what music they like, will say "eVeryThing but CountRy and rap ROFL ^__^!!!" But that's another post. . .

Don't Quote Me

A new employee in my department recently cleaned off the bulletin board outside of her office. She emailed everyone and asked that we tack up our favorite quotes - the ones that inspire us, make us laugh, cry, smile, or ponder, and in general just say something about us as individuals.

She is going to be sorry tomorrow...

...when I go hog wild, tacking up quotes with a ferocity matched only by Britney Spears clubbing an SUV in a drug/burrito induced-haze.

I live for quotes - the things other people say that I am not smart, funny, clever, or stupid enough to say. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I discover a quote that I can incorporate into every conversation I have, or a really inspiring saying that I can type into the scrolling marquee option for my screensaver.

Below is a smattering of the quotes that will invade my office tomorrow. I hope they encourage all my fellow employees to do something nice for someone else, take a risk, try something new, or just start saying something really funny so I can laugh just a little bit more every day. I hope they do the same for you.

****************

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” - Marianne Williamson


"There's only us. There's only this. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way. No day but today." - Jonathan Larson, Rent


"Tina, you fat lard, come get some dinner!" - Napoleon Dynamite


"And then it hit me - I'm outta rum." - Ellen DeGeneres


"When you've finished getting yourself ready in the morning, you must go get the planet ready." - The Little Prince


"Oh mother, I come bearing a gift! I'll give you a hint; it's in my diaper, and it's not a toaster. " - Stewie Griffin


"Everyone can suck it." - Kathy Griffin


"Oh Elle! You look like the 4th of July! Makes me want a hot dog real bad!" - Jennifer Coolidge as Paulette, Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, and Blonde


"Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a f%$#^&g dream, too.” - Sarah Silverman


"Life is like a movie. Write your own ending." - Kermit the Frog


"I can sum up our whole philosophy with this glass. I can look at this glass and say its half-full. Which in the modeling world means 'Where the hell is my waiter?!?!' Oh, shut up with the frieken Marco Polo, or I'll rip your little heads off!" - Drop Dead Gorgeous


"Those shoes are mine, betch." - Kelly


"Well, I hate you and your ass face!" - Waiting for Guffman


"Of course you can!" - Steel Magnolias


End quote.

how to look classy at the beach

By Meg Jones

Guest Contributor

for lack of a better reaction (and the fact that you can't see a jaw drop in print)... O - M - G.

lets go through this step by step shall we? interview style (if by interview your understanding is commenting mercilessly without the offender being able to hear you)

WholesomeWear: "WholesomeWear is a modest line of clothing wear for "wherever."
Me: It's smart of you to let us know in your oblique way that you understand that "wherever" for you means - "when we let our children outside to see the light of day or socialize in any way." Good call.

WW: "Our WaterWear is first to be introduced because the need for modesty in swimwear is greatest and the supply is almost non-existent."
M: What you meant to say was - your "WaterWear" is the first to be introduced because no one else with a mind for business (or a sex drive!) would think for a second that anyone would want to buy this junk. The supply would be non-existent for the same reason. Just FYI

WW: "Swimwear that "highlights the face rather than the body" includes an undergarment with bright colors at the neck and shoulders to draw the eye to the face."
M: Ok - let me just say - no one, i repeat, NO ONE will be looking at your face when you're wearing one of those things. At least not at first. After wondering why in the hell someone would put that fugly suit on in the first place, MAYBE they'd look at your face to see what kind of freak would actually walk outside in one of those things - and thats just out of gross curiousity.

WW: "The spandex undergarment fits like a body suit, while the taslan outer garment limits cling and adds modesty and style. A single zipper unites both garments for swimming ease"
M: *sigh* THIS IS NOT SWIMMING EASE! Swimming ease would be swimming naked! THAT, my friend, is swimming at its easiest. Perhaps you have swimming confused with parasailing or hang gliding or a number of other things you could do with all of that unnecessary material. The single zipper, no doubt in place to keep the child locked into that contraption, and taslan (wtf?!) outer garment add neither modesty NOR style. Let's be honest here. Those neon colored dickies that are, good lord, on the bottom as well as the top are not in any way shape or form ever going to be stylish. True, people wore dickies at one point in time, but they went out in the 80's. And modesty, I mean c'mon now. Modesty practically went out the door in the 20's. No one has time for that anymore.

It may be quite stereotypical of me to assume that all of this "modest draw attention to your face we have 16 kids all named Jim-Bob crap" carries the stench of Mormons. Please explain to me - how in the HELL do you put on what looks like a circus elephant carcas, wear it OUTSIDE, and find someone willing to have SEX with you?! Forget those funky suits - THAT is the real mystery to me.

Sure - everyone wants someone who loves them for who they are - "Love my MIND and not just my LOOKS."
But please, people of the world - keep this in MIND - we still have to LOOK at you!

Kids are cute/Apparently I look like hell

On Saturday I went out to eat at one of my favorite restaurants with one of my favorite people when I ran off to the bathroom to TCOB (Take Care Of Business for those of you who aren't hip to the lingo). When I arrived at the bathroom, there was a boy who was ahead of me, about 8-10 years of age. We stood in silence for about 3 seconds before he gestured to the chain dangling from my back pocket.

"Is that your wallet?" he asked.
"Yes, yes it is," I replied.
He quickly pulled up the side of his shirt to reveal a plastic chain hooked to his pants which I assume was also attached to a wallet.
"I have one too," the boy said, "But mine is Power Rangers."
"Cool," I said weakly.
The boys eyes moved from my wallet to my keys hanging opposite of my wallet.
"Do you have a car?" the boy asked, wide eyed.
"Yes, I do." I said simply.
The boy paused for a moment and then glanced up at me again.
"How old are you?" he asked finally.
"I'm 23."
The boys face contorted as if he had just seen or heard something amazing. His mouth dropped open slightly.
"Really?" he said, puzzled, "I thought you were in your 30's."

I went on to say that I just graduated from college last year. We talked about college for a moment before the bathroom finally opened up and he went inside. I thought about how neat and inquisitive this kid was and how he had no fear to just ask a stranger tons of questions. I'm sure he's every teacher's little dream. But then I thought about how I looked like I was in my 30's. Maybe this kid has a distorted view of age, or maybe I just look like hell.

The List (a Massive Update)

... my body is composed of about 70% water, 20% Pop Tarts and 10% of other things that keep me alive.

Raspberry Pop Tarts: * * * 1/2

Wild Berry Pop Tarts: * * * 1/2

Double Berry Pop Tarts: * * * *

Cherry Pop Tarts: * * *

Splitz Chocolate and Vanilla Pop Tarts: * * * *

T- Minus 41 days.

The Official JTT Rumor Mill

There are many things in this world that keep me awake at night: the war in Iraq, global poverty, environmental degradation, politics as usual, corporate takeovers, the consolidation of media ownership, etc. But the one thing that leaves me sleepless and agitated the most is a question that has plagued the world since the late 90's: where in the hell is Jonathan Taylor Thomas?

Where did this guy go? What is he doing? Does he hang out with Zachary Ty Bryan? For years now this former child star dropped off the radar. Sure he did a couple TV guest spots here and there, but he always managed to vanish without a trace leaving his loyal fans guessing. He has been a mystery. . .until now.

The Anchored Cubicle JTT Detectives are on the case! We have been on the look out for JTT, and we've spotted the former Home Improvement star in some interesting locales. But our findings come with mixed feelings. JTT is alive, we can tell you that much, but perhaps not well. Our sightings gave us more than we bargained for. The information and photos you are about to see may shock you. It might even amaze you. We ask that you venture with caution. These images have not been (completely) edited or modified.

Our JTT Detectives spotted him at a local Dungeons & Dragons tournament earlier this week, looking rather smug as an opponent played right into his hands. Apparently, JTT started getting into role playing games (RPGs as we heard him call them) after his time on ABC's Home Improvement. He said something about this game being another "extension of his acting ability"; being able to get lost in another role. Whatever the case, our JTT detectives have classified this finding as: PATHETIC. When he's not casting spells and trouncing fellow nerds in battle, JTT enjoys cramming his food hole with baked goods. The once trim and svelte young man, a level 10 Wizard in his magical world, has also become a level 12 Fat Ass. It's probably from the hours and hours of immobility.
After the tournament ended, we couldn't help but overhear JTT proclaiming his world renowned Nintendo abilities in the convention hall foyer. When our detectives arrived, they found JTT proudly dawning his Nintendo Overlord outfit. It was horrific. Much vomit was spilled. No one seemed to be impressed with him. Rather, most onlookers laughed, pointed fingers, and mocked his inability to find a cape that wasn't clearly a bath towel tied loosely around his neck. JTT, pride fading fast, attempted to shoot people with his Duck Hunt gun. When the quiet laughter turned to a deafening roar, Jonathan took swings as the worst offenders with his Power Glove. His slow movements allowed the would-be victims to dodge his punches easily. The crowd began to disperse, and JTT hurled insults at them and proclaimed he was the "Nintendo Master and all mortals must bow before him." No one paid any attention.

This first weeks finding was a sad one. We'll keep you posted on any and all JTT rumors. Remember to check back here. A-Cubed is your one stop for all the newest and hottest JTT rumors.