Thursday, December 13, 2007

DAMMIT.


OK, I feel like I should have been reporting on this for the past 8 months or so, but the saga just keeps continuing and my fury is raging this morning.

I HAVE A MOUSE IN MY APARTMENT THAT WON'T DIE.

We've had him I believe since April. At first, Dana and I would be sitting on our couch and then out of the corner of my eye I'd see a fast movement. I'd look to where I thought I saw the blur, and nothing would be there.

"What the hell was that?" I said.
"What?" Dana asked.
"Um, well, I think I saw something," I mumbled, "I don't know. Maybe it was a mouse."

And then we wouldn't see anything for weeks, maybe months. And that's how it went on. Sometimes we'd see a blur out of the corner of our eyes, but we'd never actually see it.

Then one day, we were both in the kitchen and I was rummaging for something in our pantry when I heard Dana scream. I turned around quickly to see that bastard squeeze himself under the refrigerator. DAMN YOU, MOUSE, AND YOUR TINY BONELESS BODY!!! I have a method that I use when I think I have the mouse trapped. I bust out a whole bunch of VHS tapes and try and block him in. This has actually never worked, but it's my default because I always panic and don't know what to do. Anyway, the mouse ended up under our stove and he probably disappeared through a pipe in the wall.

Then one day, I had just gotten up and as soon as I walked out of the bedroom, Dana said she saw the mouse dash into our sun room. I immediately grabbed my VHS tapes. SUCKER. Where the hell is he going now. He's trapped! Or so I thought.

"WHERE THE HELL DID HE GO?" I fumed. "WHERE CAN HE POSSIBLY GO IN OUR SUN ROOM?"

Well, we have 4 radiators in our apartment that look similar to the one pictured (minus the cat, though I wish we had a cat...that's another story). Since mice can pretty much squish their bodies into nothing, he probably hopped into the radiator or dashed under some insignificant hole somewhere. Foiled again.

We've set up more traps, WITH PEANUT BUTTER, and he's still avoiding them. It's like he's taunting us, because now he doesn't just come out at night like a stupid mouse should, being nocturnal and all, but he comes out IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY. And I've found out where his little getaway hole is. We have a gap between the floor and the pipe with the knob (see above) which he's slipping in and out of. I know this because I saw the bastard run into it. And that's another thing, he's not even running along walls anymore. I SAW HIM RUN STRAIGHT TO THE HOLE. He knows what he's doing.

Just this morning, I saw him on my stove top. He dashed into the space between the stove top and the dials. ASS. I'm livid. I don't know what to do. I don't want to bring poison into my apartment, but he's leaving me with no other choice. UHG. I wish we had a cat, because that bitch of a mouse would be DEAD like 8 months ago.

Anyone have any suggestions? I've had it.

9 comments:

Hawley said...

Let me say that I empathize with the VHS tapes... I went downstairs one night during a battle-of-the-roommates... See, my roommate is a guy and doesn't realize that when he leaves his dirty dishes, trash, nda other items strewn about the apartment that they don't just magically clean themselves and put themselves away. I DO IT. The weird thing is, he gets upset when it's dirty. And like blames me for his mess, if I don't clean up. So during one of my bouts of "I am not your maid and I pay rent too" rebellion, I came downstairs for a glass of water.

Please note that I am incredibly scared of the dark.

And a big nasty cockroach/bug/demon went scrambling towards me. I grabbed my mouth to keep from screaming and used my roommates' MASSIVE shoe (see? he leaves everything out) to block the devil. He scampered off, and then I did too. Leaping like a lady in the 12 days of Christmas.

I feel your pain. Fortunately for me, I'm moving out. That could be the last resort...


My suggestions for you n' Dana:

1) Duck tape the hole. Any hole, every hole. Then he'll scram to his getaway and curse like a mother-loving sailor.

2) Borrow a cat. Or a lion.

3) Buy a pet mouse and train him to be your spy and then have him brutally masacre the other mouse. Be sure to leave no record.

4) Use incense in every room in the house. Maybe it won't like the smell?

5) Get a genie, make a wish.

Ashleigh said...

GET A LION.

Block off your sun room and pin it in there. I can see it stalking around, just WAITING.

Drew said...

I used one of those humane mousetraps because I'm a sucker and kept catching mice and setting them free. I marked its foot one day because I didn't believe we had that many mice and sure enough it was the same little guy. So I had it with mercy and put down some poison. Never saw him again. I gave him not just 3 strikes but 8! God bless little Scooter in mouse heaven.

Ashleigh said...

Andrew- You touched AND named the mouse!?!?!

Drew said...

I do this with the chipmunks and squirrels of my yard as well. Stewards of creation? Hell yeah, just ask mittens, nips, and nutsack. They'll tell you what's up.

Ashleigh said...

I'm really interested in hearing how naming a chipmunk "Nutsack", is being a steward of creation.

Drew said...

nutsack is the chipmunk because his face is always full of nuts (there are like 8 of the little buggers running around the yard, so really i can't tell them apart, so if you like it's like nutsack1 through nutsack8).

Tiffany said...

you don't know me, but trust me, i know what i'm talking about when it comes to indoor rodent warfare. i come from a house SWIMMING with mice - and this trick worked in less than 20 minutes. get some newspaper and a trash can. roll up or fold the newspaper to make a little ramp. tape it to the trash can. get an empty toilet paper roll. put some foodstuffs on the end of it. balance it on the edge of the trash can at the end of the ramp. the mouse will climb the ramp and fall into the trash can whilst trying to get at the foodstuffs. then you can do with it what you will. [we miiiight have thrown ours off a bridge.] can your mouse climb to counters? just put the toilet paper roll on the edge of a counter, like so:

http://glass.typepad.com/journal/
2005/09/how_to_catch_a_.html

seriously, this worked great and was also a really fun bonding activity.

Ashleigh said...

TIFFANY IS A GENIUS.