Friday, June 29, 2007

A Credible Zorse

Confession: I called A*Cubed dibs on commenting on Paris Hilton. I Tivoed the Larry King interview. I did. Then, 15 minutes after my bowl of ice cream and I sat down to watch the recording, we were done. (obvious) Conclusion: Paris Hilton has nothing to say. Supposedly she spent the whole time reading a Bible, but can’t think of her “favorite verse”. Claiming religion as inspiration and help is SO last year. So I changed my mind. I’m writing about Zorses instead.

A*Cubed readers, meet Eclyse:

A Zorse is the offspring of a Zebra and a horse; a zebroid (any hybrid equine with zebra ancestry). The Zorse is shaped more like a horse than a zebra, but has boldly striped legs and, often, stripes on the body or neck. Like most other interspecies hybrids, it is infertile.
However, Eclyse, born and being raised on a ranch in Germany is unlike most “normal” Zorses. Most have stripes across their whole body, Eclyse only has two blocks of stripes – on her face and her rear. She gets the pure white areas from her mother, a horse named Eclipse. Eclipse's owners sent her to a ranch in Italy for a little while – where she met an irresistibly attractive Zebra named Ulysses. It’s all so Shakespearean. I love a happy ending...

Thursday, June 28, 2007

This About Sums It Up

Mission Mountain Family Programming


Spice Girls are reuniting.
And it feels so good.

With 11 shows to choose from, I'm sure I'm well on my way to crossing off #108 on my Things To Do Before I Die list, which would be "See Spice Up Your Life Performed Live."


Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Free Writing (6.26.07) : "Analysis"

Analysis. That’s what my immediate life has whittled down to. Well, analysis and the interviews with disgruntled employees which breeds all analysis. It’s 8:33 a.m. Tuesday morning, and I have four days left to live in the grayscale world of government contracting. I am twenty-three years old and I am finished. I firmly believe that I have multiple wrinkles on both my temples, which I daily place four fingers on, after setting two elbows on my desk. Then I rotate my hands clockwise and close my eyes.

The first three pages of the Word document in front of me is one long, stuffed Table of Contents and now I’m fighting my way into the thick jungle of contract summaries. And by “jungle” I mean “51 pages of white paper, Times New Roman text and various acronyms enclosed by parenthesis”.

Notably, I hold a large amount of affection for words and I’ve spent most of my recent, employed time typing them out. However, I’m noticing a sliver of disgust creep up over phrases like “adjustments to processes” and “support of the impending task”. I’m thankful to be gainfully employed, but let’s be a little honest. The coffee served in the snack shop downstairs does not mix well with the provided creamer, and any establishment offering a pithy assembly of coffee and coffee creamer, is not a place I need to be spending nine hours a day. That’s what unearthing contentment should come down to: good words and perfect coffee. I’m willing to make this brash and somewhat idealistic statement for this one reason: the icon stenciled on the metallic office door in front of me combines pictures of the world, a lightening bolt, an American eagle and, of course, a bolded acronym. I’m starting to realize that anymore, such powerful images can be boiled down to poor graphics work and a whiff of branding. It’s the shotty grave where we’ve laid to rest some of our hardest workers; the wolf, the tiger, the sun, the moon, stars, a handshake… and so my raised fist and I digress back to our beige chair. Analysis. That’s what my immediate life has boiled down to.

Mission Mountain Family Programming

The List (A Much Needed Update)

1. Hot Fudge Sunday Pop Tarts - * * * * 1/2

Ok, here's the honest truth.

I have visited two stores in the past 2 weeks and I've run into a solid brick wall. Neither of said stores had any Pop Tart flavors that I have not yet tried. It was bound to happen.

But come on, is there really any reason NOT to stock Grape Pop Tarts?
Cherry? Caramel Chocolate?

Clearly, I am not at fault here.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Mission Mountain Family Programming

beyonce gets quality men.

driving around on my lunch break, i tuned into 106.5 MIX fm, baltimore's finest top 40 radio station that playes lovely tunes such as pink, kelly clarkson, NICKELBACK, and others. i normally do not listen to this station (you don't really need to ask why, do you?) but i was flipping through and beyonce's super great song "irreplaceable" came on and i like to rock out every now and then to a good R&B hit, so i was listening and got to thinking about the lyrics.

in the chorus, beyonce sings "I can have another you in a minute, and in fact, he'll be here in a minute." and i thought to myself - "wait - didn't you just sing a few lines back about how your lame boyfriend CHEATED on you, after you bought him a car?" yes, i do believe you did. but don't worry, you can have another guy like him in just a few minutes. WOW, im amazed! good for you!
beyonce, of course your ex is replaceable because he's a cheating scum bag LOSER with no car.
they're not very hard to come by - trust me, they're not.

it is for this reason i am reminded why top 40 radio hits generally suck because they consist of awful lyrics such as these that make no sense and/or make the singer look like a complete moron who likes to repeat his/her own mistakes.
and on that note, im going to go listen to kelly clarkson's new album. SWEET.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

... Now Like to Hand the Mic Over to Guest Contributor, Ryan B.

I'm sure we are all well-aware of how much advancing media and the emergence of online technology has "forever altered corporate communication and the exchange of information" blah blah blah yada yada yada. AKA we have instant messaging and email now, so we no longer have to get out of our comfy desk chairs or use our voice boxes in order to ask someone anything at all. Nor do we have to interact with our co-workers, because apparently we are all socially awkward and the mere thought of talking to our office-mates in person is unimaginable.
Fine, we can be lazy now, I get it. And I'll admit it's convenient. But seriously, people, there is a difference between convenience and laziness. Conversing via instant messenger does not mean you can stop using complete sentences.

Seriously, every time I am forced to hold a work conversation online with someone else, the person on the opposite end uses as little words as possible to form their sentences. Seriously. No matter how grammatically-perfect, eloquent, and thought-out my responses are, the person never fails to answer with half-assed fragments.

[Setting is 10 AM, Monday morning]

Co-Worker: Good weekend?
Me: Yes, it was quite enjoyable. It was extremely relaxing as well. How was your weekend?
Co-worker: Had fun. Get email?
Me: Why yes, I most certainly did receive your most recent electronic message and enjoyed it thoroughly. I will have that proposal to you as soon as it is possible to be accomplished.
Co-worker: Would be great. Busy?
Me: Well at the current moment I am not too swamped with tasks. For why do you ask? Would you like me to help you with something?
Co-worker: Report due. Pull report?
Me: I would gladly pull the report for you. Oh, and I have a question for you. How exactly should I access the folder in which the information is stored that is needed for implementing your client's campaign?
Co-worker: On network. You find?
Me: Why yes, I have just recently located the needed information. Thank you muchly.
Co-worker: Kewl beans.

While there is much to be said about this example, I honestly wouldn't know where to start. The bottom line is, these corporate conversations are the most annoying thing since not being allowed to bring liquids in your carry-on at the airport. No, I take that back. They're the most annoying thing since the emergence of the phrase "kewl beans." Uggh.

Ok, you get the idea. No one can type sentences anymore because it just takes too long, and it's frickin annoying. Call me crazy, but I think all of these technological "advancements" are in actuality bringing us back to the days of cave men. Pretty soon we'll be sitting at our computers in furry loin-cloths. I mean really, it makes sense. Especially with current gas prices. We might as well start using feet-powered cars. Like the Flinstones. Ugga ugga. You get?

Awesome and Necessary Facebook Group Found on Company Time #5

Hey, remember your sweet 8-ball slammer?

Monday, June 18, 2007

"I Will Most Likely Not Be Your Friend If. . ."

I will most likely not being your friend if you in anyway contribute to the creation of yet another CGI family film about anthropomorphic animals on an adventure in a city/zoo/tropical location/arctic location/African location/any location with voiceovers done by B-celebrity actors. We get it Dreamworks Animation/Pixar/Sony Pictures Animation: the animals talk and it’s silly.

I’ve had just about enough. How do we forget that we’ve seen this movie before? It came out last year! Same movie, different title. “But Andrew, this movie was in a suburb, not a city! LOL!” It’s people with this train of thought that will continue to spread the seed of idiocy through our already cerebrally challenged culture. What goes through people’s mind as they watch these movies?

“Oh look at the squirrel! Isn’t he cute! Look at what he’s doing! Ha ha! A real squirrel wouldn’t do that! That’s why I’m laughing! Because it’s so impossibly cute! Now what’s that cuddly little raccoon doing? He’s talking? TO THE SQUIRREL?!?!? Now wait a second! That’s just uproariously comical! Animals can’t really speak English, but these animals are! I’ve never seen animals talk to each other like this! Well, not since Madagascar, Over the Hedge, Ice Age, Ice Age: The Meltdown, Happy Feet, The Wild, Open Season, Surf’s Up, Shrek 1-3, Chicken Little, Chicken Run, Barnyard, The Ant Bully, Finding Nemo, Shark Tale, Antz, or A Bugs Life. Whichever movie about talking animals comes out next, I’ll enjoy it as much as the previous original, one of a kind masterpiece! LOL”

Seriously. There were more than 10 movies in 2006 that featured CGI talking animals. That’s unacceptable. Also, last time I checked, I wasn’t about to befriend a raccoon. They’re kind of assholes. Maybe we breed ‘em bigger in the city, but they’re not friendly. If these movies teach kids anything, it’s that all animals talk and want to be your friend. NOT TRUE. If a child tried to pet a Great White Shark, that child would die. If they tried to hug a bear, the bear would punch the kid in the face with it's unfriendly child-killing paw. If they tried to pick up a penguin, they’d probably have their eyes pecked out. And another thing, why are we all of a sudden obsessed with penguins? Are we just about through with the penguins, or do we need about 19 more movies before it’s completely dead? Sigh. I weep for our culture.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Drivers Beware

For months now, I have been trying to devise the perfect way to release my aggression against the stupid-ass drivers in the DC-metro area. If any of you have driven in DC-metro area, you know what I'm talking about. People around here do not know what a turn signal is. They think that lane lines are simply decoration and contrary to the rest of the world, the left lane on a highway is apparently the slow lane.

The best solution I had come up with was a super soaker. When someone did something stupid, I'd pull up next to them, roll down my wind, and soak the hell out of them. It wouldn't cause any damage or anything like that, but I figure the surprise factor would make it worth it. I mean, can you imagine someone pulling out a super soaker on the highway and drenching your car?

However, Hammacher Schlemmer, which is "America's longest running catalog, offering the best, the only and the unexpected for 159 years," has provided me with something even better than a super soaker...

The Marshmallow Shooter.

Here is the description in the magazine:

Never has victory tasted so sweet: shoot an edible miniature marshmallow over 30' with our pump-action shooter, complete with LED sight for pinpoint accuracy. The easy-to-refill magazine holds 20 marshmallows (or foam pellets included) for fast, nonstop action. The LED sight projects a safe beam of red light to help locate a target. Barrel and magazine are top rack dishwasher safe. The back of the box even has a target for practice.

I cannot wait to pelt unsuspecting cars with miniature marshmallows.

This is so amazing that I think that the classic Christmas movie A Christmas Story should be remade with the Marshmallow Shooter instead of the Red Rider BeeBee Gun.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Crack is Wack!

Picture it: a rainy, Wednesday evening. Nick and PJ visit the local Marshalls in search of a Hawaiian shirt for PJ (he coaches swimming for little kids and they're having a party). Now, we love Marshalls. Seriously. They have some great home furnishings at low prices.

Not surprisingly, we are successful at finding an extremely tacky Hawaiian shirt, in record time I might add. We make our way to the check out where there are four registers open. After a few minutes, we hear "Sir, I can take you over here." We proceed to the register. There are two other "customers" at the register, whom the cashier is ignoring - a guy and girl, both in their mid-to-late twenties. The guy looks fairly normal, but the girl has seen better days. She's about 30 pounds underweight, sunken eyes, greasy hair, dirty clothes, etc. I don't mean to judge, but she was obviously a hard-core drug addict. Actually, I do mean to judge. This girl was so doped up Whitney Houston could hold an intervention for her.

Now, as the cashier is ringing PJ up, the follow conversation ensues:

Guy: (to PJ) Dude, we're in line here.

(to PJ) Sir, do not listen to him and do not speak to him!

(to Guy) Ummh...she called me over here.

(to Cashier) Fuck you.

(screaming) Fuck me?!? Excuse me, fuck you! Get the hell outta here.

Umdkfj on oni ona sdm lkashf o owef lndf oowief n;sdf. (she just about falls over)

(to girl) Come on, take the shoe off. Let's go.

Cashier: (screaming even louder) That's right! Get outta here, bitches!

(Guy and Girl leave)

Cashier: This is why drugs are bad! Ohmagod...for real.

PJ: Yeah...Crack is Wack!!!

Cashier: know dat's right. Shit.

Now, as the conversation between PJ and the Cashier continues, I'm trying to piece it all together and try to figure out what the Guy and Girl were actually trying to do.
The girl was wearing a slip-on sneaker...but just one. Her other foot was bare. And the other slip-on sneaker was on the counter, and it had a security tag in it.

So, here is my theory:

The Girl didn't have any shoes, for some reason. Most likely, because she's a drug addict. Maybe she sold her shoes for drugs or they morphed into demon vampire rabbits during one of her highs and she ran away from them. So, I think they came into Marshalls, picked out a pair of shoes. She put one on her foot and then brought the other one, with the security tag in it, up to the register. Then, they tried to convince the cashier that they had already bought the shoes a couple days before but the store forgot to remove the security tag and they had just returned to get it removed.

This is just my theory. But I really hope that's what they tried to do. Because its funny as hell.


Tuesday, June 12, 2007

By Meg Jones
Guest Contributor

so there is a new employee in my office. a desperate, middle-aged woman who very obviously lives vicariously through her spoiled children and tries to convince everyone of her status as "the cool mom." apparently she is unaware that other adults are not impressed by the supposed "cool mom" status. only teenage children.

other than her self-proclaimed status she is, in fact, a piglet. she walks, talks, giggles, eats and dresses like a piglet. to speak kindly. we'll refer to her as such for the remainder.

keep in mind, this piglet is the one, upon hearing my remarks about the staph. infection that kept paris hilton out of jail (which i suggested she very well may have walked into the establishment with said infection) responded - hehe you're so funny. it was probably the male staff. no no piglet, not that kind of staff.

imagine if you will, piglet having a conversation with her boss. a highly intelligent chinese woman stunted, only superficially, by her thick accent. piglet is going on and on, as she does, about her daughter's sweet 16 party, on which she is spending her entire life savings. boss tells piglet that they continue with chinese traditions in her family and make a rice cake rather than a regular birthday cake. piglet giggles. no no piglet, not the cardboard tasting health food that you stay away from - probably that only thing in the world that would make you run. piglet suggests rice krispies instead. *sigh* no no piglet, wrong kind of rice.

today piglet was asking boss where she lived. when boss told piglet she lived in a townhome, piglet explained to boss that she thought boss would have a home rather than paying rent.. seeing as you are so cheap. *sigh* piglet then proceded to ask boss if there was a big chinese community where she lived. *sigh* of course piglet, why would she live near white people. i'm sure she is used to being crammed into small spaces with 3 billion of her relatives. perhaps piglet has a big fat loud-mouthed white lady community where she lives. *sigh*

piglets only defense, which she has used before, is that she has a hard time not telling the truth. no no piglet. what you meant to say was, you have a hard time keeping your big fat mouth shut.

there is nothing worse that an ignorant person with a cause and piglet's unfortunate cause is life in general. that is all.

good day.

.... i said good day!

...and the Award For Worst, Most Annoying and Unethical Hold Out goes to...


For being the only caffeine-centered establishment in... I'm gonna go out on a limb and say "the world", to not offer free Wi-Fi.

Hey, how about you give me some free internet, just like Uncle Jack's Coffee Shack on the corner over there, and I'll let you keep offering me over-priced, sometimes strong enough coffee, complete with 13 different flavor shot options.


Probably not.

Mission Mountain Family Programming

Monday, June 11, 2007

Ten Things I've Learned at Work That Will Help Me Be a Less-Moronic Person In the Future

I have learned the following 10 things from my co-workers in the past few months. These are all things that I have observed others doing and I am taking these valuable-lessons with me when I leave this job next month. I hope you'll do the same.

1. Walking very quickly and stomping your feet around the office will not give others the impression that you are important/busy/in-charge/well-liked/or anything other than a high-strung person who walks like an elephant.

2. When leaving a message for a colleague, trying to explain why you haven't returned the important, work-related, time-sensitive phone call, do not quote Bible passages in your lame excuse. Its just rude and abusive...the Bible was not intended to be used as a cover for your inconsiderate ass.

3. Do not wear a purple business suit. Ever.

4. Do not tell a co-worker they have bad posture, especially when they have near-perfect posture from years of studying ballet. And, even more especially, do not do this when you yourself have the beginnings of a hump back...and split ends.

5. If you are someones supervisor, acknowledge their presence and speak to them more than twice a month. Even if its just to say "hi" or "Oh, you're still here?"

6. Never send an email to someone asking them to ask someone else to print out a copy of a document and then CC the person you'd like to be asked to print out the document, as well as everyone else in the department. This is rude and a clear sign of being on some sort of egotistical power trip. You are also wasting every one's time.

7. Turn your cell phone to silent when at work. Your co-workers should not be subjected to listening to "This Little Light Of Mine" over and over again because your adult son cannot take a sip of water without your input.

8. The term "Other duties as assigned" is included in every job description, no matter what the position is. The Emancipation Proclamation was signed in the 19th century and banned slavery, so keep that in mind when mulling over duties that could fall in this category. For instance, having someone go and buy your lunch because you're too busy stomping around the office, quoting Bible passages on people's voice mails, wearing purple suits, criticizing someone, ignoring people, sending rude, condescending emails and wasting people's time, or failing to answer your ever-ringing cell phone, is not an acceptable "other" duty.

9. It is not appropriate to constantly stare at the crotch and gluteus maximus regions of your twenty-something male co-worker while asking inappropriate personal questions. It does not matter that you are old and most likely senile.

10. If someone offers you a job and the word "worship" is anywhere in your job title or department name, kindly say "No thank you" and report to your local Unemployment Agency.

"Who's considered people anywaaaaaaaay?"

President Bush is speaking here about Alberto Gonzales and the no-confidence vote:

"They can have their votes of no-confidence but it's not going to make the determination about who serves in my government." - President George W. Bush (emphasis my own)

"My government"? Well, I guess the days of government "of the people, by the people, and for the people" are dead and gone. What were they like, I wonder?

who really needs hubcaps, anyway?

so, i dont have the best luck with hubcaps. it could be that i suck at driving, but we'll just say it's bad luck.
since january, i have lost 3 out of my 4 hubcaps. here is how it all went down:
*hubcap #1 : lost on the PA turnpike on the way to philly while texting and driving - i ran over the bumpy strip and it rolled off across the highway.
*hubcap #2: i scraped up against the curb at the mcdonald's drive thru (TWICE) and it came off when i drove away, i guess.
*hubcap #3: i cut the curve on the exit off the highway a little too close and it flew off after i scraped against the curb.
so yes, im now down to ONE hubcap. fortunately, my father is going to replace them for me - well, i have to pay for them, but he's going to go buy them and put them on and stuff.
so yeah, i suck at driving. or at keeping hubcaps. or i just suck at life. whateverrr it's fiiine. :)
but for all of you other bad drivers out there, you're not alone, you're not alone...

Friday, June 8, 2007

Down With Corporate Media!!!!!!

I hate our media. Yes, it is true that I was a Media Studies major. But the more I watch news reports on celebrities, and listen to the interviews done by word-twisting bastards, I wonder whether anyone in the field of journalism really gives a shit anymore.

Paris Hilton's jail sentence, or lack of a jail sentence, is not news. Sure, some money-grubbing new executive whore might say "It's in the public interest" as he lights up a cigar with a fifty dollar bill, but it's only in the public interest because the media plays it out like a freakin' Law & Order episode. This isn't an OJ high speed chase, fly the helicopters back to the hangers. I get so pissed every time someone with money makes the news because they turn out to be a dumb ass. Oh, Lindsay Lohan crashed her car. Golly, Isaiah Washington is kicked off Grey's Anatomy. So and so is a drunken drug addict. OK, I acknowledge the humanity of all people. It's true. I do. But we're getting to a point where the line between News and Entertainment is incredibly blurry.

I was watching an interview on CNN of Dennis Kucinich by Paul Zahn, and I wanted to punch her stupid face. Look at her follow up question to Representative Kucinich's statement about the war in Iraq and supporting the troops:

KUCINICH: Their sacrifices are pure. Their sacrifices are an expression of their love of country. And we should honor all of those who would serve our country and would be willing to put their lives on the line.
However, those who would be president have a higher responsibility never to cause the lives of the men and women who serve this country to be put in jeopardy for anything except the defense of our country. And frankly...

ZAHN: And that's not what's happening in this war in Iraq. So are you demeaning their service by saying what you're saying?

ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?? No, you stupid idiot! That is not what he's saying! I'm so tired of reporters trying to cause controversy for the sake of controversy by backing people into a corner. Stop trying to get a reaction, Paula Zahn, and ask a real question. She barely asked a real question during the entirety of the interview. Her follow up questions made it sound like she hardly even listened to his answers. Instead she most likely focused on her pensive reporter face. Oh, and here's a tip Paula Zahn: pausing for dramatic effect during an interview just makes you look like an idiot.


Free Doesn't Mean "Good Deal"

Here we go again. More free crap from Craigslist.

FREE!! Microsoft Office 97 book/video

So, let me get this straight. You're offering, FOR FREE, a training manual about incredibly outdated Microsoft software and VHS cassettes about said software?!?!? So generous. Seriously, if anyone is still running Office 97 on their computer and they need a training manual, then I've lost all hope for our society.

*FREE* 52" Pioneer TV

How do you spell worthless? That's right! Broken 52'' TV! Good job! If I remember anything about Pioneer TVs of yesteryear, they're about as big as a flatbed truck, and 10 times as heavy. They take up an entire wall while delivering all the picture clarity of a projection movie on a bed sheet. It's barely even worth the effort to move it to the curb, let alone finding a vehicle large enough to transport it. "Cracked screen" but the picture's "fine"? It "doesn't turn on" but it "worked last week"? Nice work jack ass. You're a freakin' marketing genius.

Free Human Hair

I'm not sure what disgusts me more: someone having some sick attachment to a nasty wig they wore once, or the encouragement of the general public to use it to "make a fun beard." I don't know you and I don't know where the wig came from, so I'm certainly not going to affix that thing anywhere on, around, or near my face. Maybe you had a grand ol' time trying to fool your friends into believing you grew a sleek, foot-long beard since you saw them last, but thats not my idea of "fun."

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Mission Mountain Family Programming

"I Will Most Likely Not Be Your Friend If. . ."

I will most likely not be your friend if your name is Cingular/AT&T. Reason? Because you're a lying liar! Fewest dropped calls my ass! Not only do you drop my calls, it happens on pretty much a daily basis. That's not a few. A few is once a year saying "Tee hee, OMG whoops I'll call u back LOL ^_^" and having everything be fine. This, for example, is not OK:

Friend: You know what I'm sayin'?
Me: Yes, I totally know what you're sayin.
Friend: Andrew?.....Hello?
Me: Yeah I'm here. Can you here me?
Friend: Hello? Are you there....Can you hear me?
Me: Yes! I can hear you! Hello!
Friend: Andrew? Hello?
Friend: I think I lost you...Andrew?

And you know what else is cool? When your phone, for no apparent reason, says "No Access to Network." I love that. When I sign up for a cell phone plan, what I'd really like is less network and more dropped calls. I think that's what most people want. Luckily, I just signed up for a 2 year contract. Awesome.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Happy Birthday To Nobody

I don't know if it's a mark of "wise spending" or "cheapness" when a company buys a huge box of generic birthday cards to save money. I was sending out birthday cards today to various employees and opened up a flimsy paper card with the hideous balloons on the front. I read the birthday greeting and was fairly amused and surprised by what it said:

"A person with
your personality
and disposition
deserves the best
birthday ever.
Have a great one!"

Uh huh. Well. That's pretty much the worst card of all time. Though they may "deserve the best birthday ever," this card will certainly make it the complete opposite. This card had to have been written at 3 in the morning by a conference room full of pissed off greeting card employees on a deadline who just didn't give a crap anymore. Truly awful. Well, I'm sure glad this card is going out about two weeks late, or it might have actually ruined their birthday.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

"I Will Most Likely Not Be Your Friend If..."

... you are a huge, money hungry, inconsiderate, prostitute of a company that spends 23 hours of its day buying out smaller, more ethical (?) companies like an 18-year old whore teaching all the little pony-tailed freshman how, when, and with whom to put out.

P.S. The other hour is spent looming outside kitchen windows, a constant reminder of how big, demeaning, and uncool you really are.

P.P.S The first person to find me a real, honest-to-god job that has nothing to do with the words "government" or "contracting" will win something perfect. I can't make any real promises, but there will definitely be snacks and maybe puppies involved.

HP rules. I'm right. You're wrong.

An analogy:

Anti-Harry Potter fans are to Harry Potter fans what the Daily Prophet was to Harry in The Order of the Phoenix.

Now, a Harry Potter fan would understand that analogy. To everyone else, it's "stupid" and "juvenile." And I was going to explain what the analogy meant, but now I don't think I will. With the impending release of The Order of the Phoenix in movie theaters across the country, and the seventh and final book (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows) set for release on July 21, my mounting excitement has gotten me sideways glances and sarcastic remarks from HP naysayers. So why should I waste time with analogies that anti-HP fans would disregard as "childish" anyway? It's just a kid's book. It's only for 10-year olds. Right?

"According to the NDP Group, a New York-based research company, half of all Harry Potter readers are over age 35 and a quarter are over 55. That leaves the remaining 25% being the children that we all think dominate the target market."

BAM. Suck on that, bitches. And that was from 2003. BAM. I can only imagine how much the readership has grown over the past 4 years. The article goes on to say that Harry Potter "
appeals to both adults and children because it does not talk down to its readers and because there are multiple levels of meaning." This, my friends, among many other things, is what makes these books so awesome. Sure, kids read Harry Potter. Sure J.K. Rowling has her tight grip on the minds of children as soon as they learn to read. But even some of the most learned people I know are captivated by the story-telling and brilliant character development in these books.

And what makes Harry Potter a children's book anyway? The main characters being in their teens? Mitch Hedberg (RIP) would've said "Every book is a children's book if the kid can read." Funny and true. But seriously, if 75% of Harry Potter readers are over 35, when does it cease to be "children's literature" and become "good books"?

And one final thing: Harry Potter is not a trend. Trends don't last 10 years and sell 325 million copies in 63 different languages.

The end. Harry is awesome. I win.

id just like to share...

not many of you may care, but i need some outlet to express this overwhelming feeling. and that feeling would be my utter hatred for the band Nickelback. i can't really explain it, but it could be the fact that all their songs sound the same, they're painful to listen to, the lyrics are super lame, and im sick of hearing them on the radio 24/7. because they suck. they just do.

to any of you who enjoy this band as one of your top favs, id apologize for offending you, but im just not sorry at all. not one little bit.

boy, do i feel better! :)

Monday, June 4, 2007

An Ethical Dilemma

so im sitting at work, browsing the FB. (which stands for Facebook, for all you people that couldnt deciper that one.) and it turns out you can start using this new thing called Trakzor that tells you who's visiting your fb and when you visit theirs.

now, i can't decide - do i add this because im nosy enough to see who wants to see my profile?
or do i not add it, because then everyone i stalk will know that im stalking them, even though
they're probably stalking me because im that awesome and everyone does.

i mean, really, life is just getting more and more complicated every day, and it is problems like these that keep from actually doing my job and instead contemplating the immortal decision: Trakzor or No Trakzor?

you decide.

Friday, June 1, 2007

Mission Mountain Family Programming

Notice to all ASSHOLES.


We have jobs. Give us a break. We will update when we're good and ready. Stop being a dick.