Thursday, June 14, 2007

Crack is Wack!

Picture it: a rainy, Wednesday evening. Nick and PJ visit the local Marshalls in search of a Hawaiian shirt for PJ (he coaches swimming for little kids and they're having a party). Now, we love Marshalls. Seriously. They have some great home furnishings at low prices.

Not surprisingly, we are successful at finding an extremely tacky Hawaiian shirt, in record time I might add. We make our way to the check out where there are four registers open. After a few minutes, we hear "Sir, I can take you over here." We proceed to the register. There are two other "customers" at the register, whom the cashier is ignoring - a guy and girl, both in their mid-to-late twenties. The guy looks fairly normal, but the girl has seen better days. She's about 30 pounds underweight, sunken eyes, greasy hair, dirty clothes, etc. I don't mean to judge, but she was obviously a hard-core drug addict. Actually, I do mean to judge. This girl was so doped up Whitney Houston could hold an intervention for her.

Now, as the cashier is ringing PJ up, the follow conversation ensues:

Guy: (to PJ) Dude, we're in line here.

(to PJ) Sir, do not listen to him and do not speak to him!

(to Guy) Ummh...she called me over here.

(to Cashier) Fuck you.

(screaming) Fuck me?!? Excuse me, fuck you! Get the hell outta here.

Umdkfj on oni ona sdm lkashf o owef lndf oowief n;sdf. (she just about falls over)

(to girl) Come on, take the shoe off. Let's go.

Cashier: (screaming even louder) That's right! Get outta here, bitches!

(Guy and Girl leave)

Cashier: This is why drugs are bad! Ohmagod...for real.

PJ: Yeah...Crack is Wack!!!

Cashier: know dat's right. Shit.

Now, as the conversation between PJ and the Cashier continues, I'm trying to piece it all together and try to figure out what the Guy and Girl were actually trying to do.
The girl was wearing a slip-on sneaker...but just one. Her other foot was bare. And the other slip-on sneaker was on the counter, and it had a security tag in it.

So, here is my theory:

The Girl didn't have any shoes, for some reason. Most likely, because she's a drug addict. Maybe she sold her shoes for drugs or they morphed into demon vampire rabbits during one of her highs and she ran away from them. So, I think they came into Marshalls, picked out a pair of shoes. She put one on her foot and then brought the other one, with the security tag in it, up to the register. Then, they tried to convince the cashier that they had already bought the shoes a couple days before but the store forgot to remove the security tag and they had just returned to get it removed.

This is just my theory. But I really hope that's what they tried to do. Because its funny as hell.


1 comment:

Andrew said...


That is amazing. I actually don't even know what to say.

How about . . . "Umdkfj on oni ona sdm lkashf o owef lndf oowief n;sdf."

Yeah, that'll do.