Thursday, August 30, 2007

seriously people, get it together!

I'll make this short and sweet. Common sense isn't a difficult thing to attain. Most people are born with it. If you pay enough attention to those around you - you'll probably even be able to pick up a few pointers. Since you all seem to be stuck on this one issue, let me help you out.

Walk up/down the right side of hallways/stairs. When you need to enter a building - for the love people use the door on the RIGHT! This is so stinkin simple I really don't understand why everyone is so hung up on it. If you weren't taught - as I mentioned before - just sit back and pay attention and then proceed in the correct way.

I will, at first, smile a fake smile and hold the door for you as you exit the wrong way. Be aware, however, that this courtesy does not last long. That in mind, DON'T STAND BEHIND THE DOOR. I will not hesitate to open the door and smack you in the face with it. Why? Because no one expects some random fool to be standing behind the wrong door so we "don't look." You shouldn't have to be hit with a door for this to sink in, but at times, you leave us no choice. I don't think I am alone here. So go right ahead and keep laughing in the face of common sense. Eventually - you'll look like that guy up there. Not so funny now, is it?

In conclusion, I propose the removal of all safety/warning tags/labels... from everything. They have been attached to their assigned dangerous items for too long. If you want to put aluminum foil in the microwave - be my guest. You want to drop the toaster in the bath with you - please do. You think you can get away with cutting off that mattress tag (wtf?) - go right ahead. I seriously think that we should let all of these people just weed themselves out of society so that we can all live in peace. Amen?

not every phrase is worth quoting.

hello, fellow a-cubers. it's been quite awhile since my last entry and i know most of you are mourning my absence, so here i am. back and ready to go!

lately, it has come to my attention that "good quotes" do not exist anymore. well, they do, they've just been replaced by crappy, stupid, mushy, dont-make-any-sense-but-sound-kinda-cool quotes. (nick - none of your quotes from your previous post fall under this category - just to clarify).

so anyway, where do we find these awful pieces of sentimental devastation? myspace, facebook, blogs, teen girl diaries - you know, the usual.

here are a few that i've stumbled across the last few years, some with my comments, some with no explanation, because well, they're just that awful.

*Don't frown because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
-this is not necessarily true in all cases. it could very well be that you have the worst smile ever due to yellow teeth, or a snaggle tooth that does not make your smile all that appealing. maybe a scowl would bode better for you when it comes to attraction of the opposite sex. (or same sex, if you're into that)

*Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
-alright, first of all, what's all this nonsense about "measuring our lives"? and if you're gonna get technical, i don't think that breathtaking moments are really a good measuring tool. i mean, sure, you could say you had a pretty great life because you had a few nice moments that were "breathtaking" but what the hell does that even mean? exactly. it means nothing. NOTHING!

*You're never fully dressed without a smile.
-ok, seriously, what is up with all this smiling crap? yes, i think it's nice to be pleasant and smile every now and then. but annoyingly cheerful people who smile all the time are just that - ANNOYING. so please, smile when necessary, but a straight face completes any outfit just fine.

*Life's not a sprint, it's marathon.
-i think im seeing a theme here - life and smiles. is that really all we have to label? and who the heck decided that life was a race anyway? and how are marathons and sprints any different? they are both races and they both end. and someone wins. no one wins life. unless you're playing the GAME life, as in the one made by Matell where you pick an occupation and ride around the board in little plastic blue and pink cars and pay insurance and have kids and stuff. that's the only game of life that you can ever win. period.

*Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth.
-i have no comment for this one except: UGH. UGHHHHHH.

*If you love something set it free; if it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
-i can think of many cases where this is not true - for example, if you set your dog (who you love) free, and he comes back, because maybe he doesn't want to be set free and would like a roof over his head with food, water, etc.; and if he doesn't come back, he still was yours to begin with, because HELLO, he's your dog and you paid for him and took care of him!!!!!!!!!

The point is this - life is full of a lot of crap and it really sucks at times - but there is no meaning to these ridiculous quotes, and littering your myspace, facebook, diary, car bumper, etc is not going to make you understand life any better or make you feel like life is ok because now you have a dumb quote in your life that makes you smile and feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

So I leave you with this, the only phrase worth quoting:

"Never assume, because it makes an ass out of u and me."

and that, my friends, is a quote to live by. :)

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

One Helluva Floater

It seems we've gone for a little while without a disgusting bathroom story. Allow me to break the trend.

Yesterday, I walked into the men's bathroom to, ahem, take care of some business when I noticed the familiar remainders of an insufficient flush in the first stall. You should take note that the bathrooms in our building are not known for their flushing power, so it's not uncommon to stumble upon this. Regardless, bathroom etiquette states that you should flush multiple times if necessary. When I opened the door and found this in the stall, I quickly flushed the toilet. Low and behold, of course, it all didn't go down. One little straggler remained afloat. Irritated I flushed again, hopeful that he would finally go down. He didn't. The tenacious fecal ball was apparently very resilient. But I was persistent as well. Flush three. Also unsuccessful. He went down into the pipes as if to trick me, then popped right back out. Bastard! Luckily, no one else was in the bathroom. I didn't want to be blamed for leaving the stall without flushing. I went to the next stall, and once I finished TCOB, I returned for a fourth flush. This time, it went down. I waited for about a minute to make sure he wasn't going to pop right back out again.

I deduced that the person who left this behind was an unhealthy eater, because apparently the more your poop floats, the higher the fat content of your diet. Four flushes for one little straggler doesn't look very good for this dude. He should probably lay off all the Hot Pockets. You know who isn't an unhealthy eater?

Jonathan Taylor Thomas. He's a vegetarian.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Media Priorities Are A JOKE

When I was in high school, I wrote an article for my school newspaper about. . .well, the short version is that our school was obsessed with football. ESPECIALLY after our team won state. The school went nuts and had assemblies, made all sorts of crappy merchandise, called the driveway into our school "State Champs Drive" and they placed this huge monstrosity of a sign out in front of our school. In doing this, they completely overlooked the other sports teams and clubs that had been making similar achievements EVERY YEAR. This is the first time our football won state EVER. They sucked before this. Anyway, it seems our media, much like my former high school, has chosen sports over more important news. We are a culture obsessed with celebrities, gossip, and juicy scandals. But seriously. . .Michael Vick?

Let's take a poll: Is Michael Vick saying "I was a bad wittle boy" really more important than the resignation of the Attorney General of the United States?

And the Winner is...

Hawley. She won. She took the cake with $799.72.

Thanks to everyone else who guessed the cash value of my beautiful and unrusted blue Buick. The actual value is $825. Although it’s of no consequence I feel I should mention that my left turn signal is currently not working and I forgot to add previously that two keys are needed to operate my car; one for the doors and one for the starter. There’s also a wooden crank on the side. That’s a lie.

When I'm finished creating Hawley's prize I'll detail it in a post. Have no fear - it will of course involve JTT and chocolate gum.

T-Minus 20 days.

"I Will Most Likely Not Be Your Friend If...."

I will most likely not be your friend if you are not stable enough, as far as common sense in concerned, to be behind the wheel of a car. Learning to drive can be difficult for some, but the rules of the road that you usually will not find printed in your learner's permit handbook are practically intrinsic knowledge. Thats what the umbilical cord is for. Supplying both the essentials vital to your existence and common sense. If you were unlucky enough to not have enough of this "common sense" passed on to you - read the following carefully. If you are just a lazy ass who doesn't pay enough attention to their social surroundings and has not picked up on decent driving practices - stay away from me.

First of all, feel free to honk your horn. Seriously. IF you are alerting someone that they are about to run into you or someone/something else. That's just being a nice person. DO NOT under any circumstances honk your horn idly in traffic. Maybe I missed the new automobile technology memo, but when other car horns honk my car DOESN'T MOVE. It doesn't even budge. One of two things will happen. Someone else will honk back at you - because it always makes sense to respond to things in an equally childish way - or someone is going to get out of their car and beat you to death. There are crazy people out there. Don't honk your horn in traffic. I'm serious. You'll die.

Secondly, and I consider this the most important, learn what your brake and accelerator are/do and how to use them. I'll give you a hint - if you take your foot off of the accelerator YOUR CAR WILL SLOW DOWN. Unless you're riding the ass of the person in front of you, which is a whole other topic altogether, there is no need to hit your brake as soon as you see brake lights in front of you. Most of the time, the person in front of you is the exact type of person I'm talking about. It's a viscious cycle. Simply take your foot off of the gas. Your car will slow down, the person in front of you will eventually take their foot off of the brake, and things can resume. I will give you just a few exceptions to this rule/excuses you may use (if they are valid):

- you are headed towards a rapidly worsening multiple car pile-up
- for some reason there is an old lady on a rascal scooter traveling in your lane of traffic
- a spastic drunken squirrel running through the streets has won over your heart and you refuse to just run him over
- you are trying to communicate with me through morse code using cut brake light wires that you are locked in your trunk and someone is stealing your vehicle

otherwise TAKE YOUR FOOT OFF OF THE BRAKE YOU INCONSIDERATE ASSHOLE. A moving vehicle is not the time to tap your foot to the music if your foot is in direct contact with something that controls your car. Try tapping the steering wheel or hit yourself in the head for all I care. DO NOT slam on your brake, then inch toward the car in front of you repeatedly at stoplights. Everyone is slowing down - you'll be fine.

Traffic and braking are two things you just don't mess with. Why? Because these are times when your and other's cars are slowing down or stopped. A perfect time for some lunatic to get out of their car and not so gently explain to you what you are doing wrong. I said it once and I'll say it again. There are crazy people out there. Learn how to drive. Seriously. And don't have sex. You'll get chlamydia. And die.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

welcome to the plantation

Well, I just want to start out with a thank you for the opportunity to be a part of this forum. Also, I appreciate the lovely introduction.

My first blog is going to be short and sweet.

THIS IS WHERE I WORK - "Ivy City Service Plaza"

Enough said.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Product Review: Bubble Yum – Hershey’s Genuine Chocolate Flavor

I always try new candy. I scan the gum, mint and small chocolate candy section next to the tabloids when waiting in line at the grocery and sometimes I see something new. This week it was Hershey’s flavored Bubble Yum. My roommate and I took our time; we started by smelling the tootsie-roll like gum before moving on to taste. Listen. The only thing you want to do when you’re chewing chocolate Bubble gum is swallow it. When that doesn’t happen you want to immediately spit out the gum, stick your mouth under a water facet and then follow up with a shower and antibiotics.
If your target market is eight year old boys and not 20-something females (and I’m guessing for Bubble Yum, that’s about right) then this was probably a really good idea. Otherwise – Chocolate gum? Really? It’s appalling. Who puts chocolate in gum?!

I think we all know the answer to this.

Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

T Minus 24 days.

Ready to waste some time?

By a show of hands, how many of you hate the comic strip Garfield.

(Looks around the room)

OK, looks like everyone.

For all you people who find Garfield obnoxious, here's a little site that will turn that mundane, painfully unfunny strip into something a little more humorous.

It's called the Garfield Randomizer.

Since all the strips are so freakin' predictable and similar, if you throw out any 3 random panels, it will essentially look like a regular strip. So you hit the "Go" button, 3 panels pop up, and you have a randomly selected Garfield comic that is probably funnier than anything Jim Davis ever pinched out. You also have the choice of locking the panels so you can try and make it more amusing. Here's one I did. It's called. . ."Every Garfield Comic Ever."

Garfield sleeps, he gets up, he eats. Of course when he's not eating he's kicking Odie off the table or harassing Nermal while Jon tries to get a date with a woman way out of his league. Sigh. Give it up, Jon. We all know you're gay.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Awesome And Necessary Facebook Group Found On Company Time #6

Anchored Cubicle

OK, so we made it. You should join anyway. Why wouldn't you?

Saturday, August 18, 2007

A Good Way to Win Something Sweet (Contest)

This weekend my roommates and I each received our Personal Property Tax statements. On these, the county treasuerer lists the assessed value of one's vehicle. I own a '92 Buick (see, crappy, blurry pictures before) with one missing hubcap.

Here's the game. The person closest to guessing how much the government thinks my car is worth will receive a prize. I haven't decided exactly what the prize will be, but I can promise that it will be awesome and completely worth the time it takes you to guess a dollar amount. I'll even give you a hint: the cash value of my Buick is between $0 and $32,000. That probably won't help. At all.


- One guess per person.
- If you live with me or read my mail you are exempt from the contest, and also possibly creepy.
- If you try and use Google to figure out the amount I. Will. Find. Out.
- The end date for this contest is Friday, Aug. 24th.

Good luck.

T Minus 27 days

Friday, August 17, 2007

Introducing Our New Writers

We have two new writers. It’s really fantastic. I thought it best to introduce them before they dove right into the mix. I’m such a lady. Look at me.

Doug sleeps during the day and works at night, but he can access the internet on his phone so he'll totally blog then. He has good taste in music and doesn’t put up with your crap. He's excited.

Megan is pretty and has a good sense of humor. She likes chips and fun facts about silly celebrities. She works during the day, usually sleeps at night and hangs out with K. Myers. Sometimes when they're chilling the world verges on implosion due to the severe concentration of awesomeness contained in one area of the universe. So, if one day that happens and we're all gone to be with Jesus, you'll know wwwhhhyyyy.

Here's a recent picture:

Welcome! We have drinks. Make yourself at home.

T-Minus 29 days.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

The Club.

I’m a fairly observant person. I notice what people are wearing. I remember which restaurants serve which perfect chocolaty desserts. I pay attention to detail. Lately, I’ve been noticing a trend in the R&B music genre. Actually, it’s been brewing for the past few years, maybe you’ve also observed the reference. I need to know where The Club is and I need to know how I can get in. Stat. Maybe you know it as “Da Club”. As far as I can tell The (Da) Club is an exclusive establishment that I’ve never come across, but plenty of people have immortalized The Club in song. It's never just "a club", some random place on the corner, it's always "The Club". I bet it’s small, well protected, nondescript and hidden in some corner of Miami or LA. As far as I can tell these fine people definitely hang out there: R. Kelly, 50 Cent, The Game, Young Buck, Black Eyed Peas, J Kwon, Lil’ Jon, Beyonce, and Britney Spears. Also, I’m pretty sure Will Smith and Paul Wall both chill in The Club and frankly, those are two people I would like to immediately associate myself with.

Where is The Club and how do I get in? I’m tall, blonde, and sociable plus I promise to commemorate my experience in song.

Here’s a taste:
I Got Into The Club (I’m White)

(phat beat)

(Jay-Z sample)

I got into the club, in London it’s called a pub
Baby, I gots tha in if you anti-drug

I'll work on it, just unhook that velvet rope.

T- Minus 30 days.

Etiquette/Norms/Mores/Social Constructions. . .LEARN 'EM ALREADY.

As a budding, er, young professional trying to earn a living, I have started to make some observations about the business world. I've learned that some people are, like me, just trying to earn that paycheck. I've learned that others are complete dicks and consider themselves better than everyone else. And I've learned that there are some pretty genuine people out there.

I work in a fairly nice office building. It's 10 stories, solid AC, nice maintenance guy. The elevators sound like they're going to snap and fall every time I get in them, but other than that I like this place. You run into a lot of different people when you work in a building that houses dozens of offices. Most of them, aside from the people down the hall who burn incense and stink up our floor, seem like decent humans. But then there are days, like today for example, where I question what kind of people (men in particular) I am coexisting with in this structure. All this said, I must pose the question to not just men, but to everyone: what man would think that pissing on a toilet seat and leaving behind a plethora of pubic hair is acceptable?

Seriously. If one must urinate in a stall, not the urinals, it would make sense to at least pick up the seat. You'd have to be pretty confident in your stream to believe that you wouldn't have the smallest bit stray from your intended course. Even if your aim is impeccable, it's not worth the risk. And also, notice that I had previously used the word "plethora" to describe the amount of pubic hair. When it comes to pubic hair, or ANY hair for that matter, on a PUBLIC TOILET, one hair is a too many, more than one is a plethora. There were at least 4 or 5. Unacceptable. It seems to me you'd have to posses one of three qualities to achieve such a gross misuse of a public space: A.) Blind B.) Drunk as hell C.) A complete jackass. Perhaps their could be a combination of all three.

Whatever the case, it's just wrong. Very, very wrong. I don't need to beat this topic to death, so I will sum it up with one word: SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK.

Monday, August 13, 2007

"I Will Most Likely Not Be Your Friend If. . ."

I will most likely not be your friend if you enjoy, to any degree, doing the Electric Slide or any other group-based choreographed dance generally done at large formal gatherings, parties, or conventions. This includes, but is not limited to: the funky chicken, the Macarena, or the eternally irritating YMCA. For the most part these atrocities, sometimes regrettably referred to as "music," are played at weddings and school dances. Anyone who hates these songs, and has ever been to a wedding, for the most part will wait out the dancing aspect before hitting the dance floor. One must feel out the vibe of the music before throwing themselves into the mix, because before long the greasy, drunk 80 year-old DJ is bound to throw down on some shit. Here's the way it generally goes down:

A dude is sitting at his table, perhaps drinking a refreshing beer or a nice cocktail, and is enjoying a conversation with a friend he hasn't seen in a while. Low and behold, Charlie McDipshit the DJ throws on the Electric Slide. Every stupid idiot starts screaming with excitement. Now, the dude knows what's about to happen, but he can't stop it. Some over-excited girl that he thought was a good friend scrambles over to the table, grabs his arm, and begins to playfully pull him in the direction of the dance floor. The dude does not appreciate this. He was enjoying himself where he was. He apologizes, smiles, and politely refuses to join her explaining that he "would rather die than dance to that irritating song." The girl, whose friends have already begun to "slide to the left," throws a fit and begins pulling a little more forcefully. The dude, realizing that she is now making a scene, acquiesces and joins her, but half asses the movements. He hates his friend now.

We've all been there. If it hasn't happened it us, it's happened to someone we know. I hate the way people react when these songs come on. They act like doing the Electric Slide is compulsory. It's compulsory for insecure prats. These are the same people that, when asked what music they like, will say "eVeryThing but CountRy and rap ROFL ^__^!!!" But that's another post. . .

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Don't Quote Me

A new employee in my department recently cleaned off the bulletin board outside of her office. She emailed everyone and asked that we tack up our favorite quotes - the ones that inspire us, make us laugh, cry, smile, or ponder, and in general just say something about us as individuals.

She is going to be sorry tomorrow...

...when I go hog wild, tacking up quotes with a ferocity matched only by Britney Spears clubbing an SUV in a drug/burrito induced-haze.

I live for quotes - the things other people say that I am not smart, funny, clever, or stupid enough to say. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I discover a quote that I can incorporate into every conversation I have, or a really inspiring saying that I can type into the scrolling marquee option for my screensaver.

Below is a smattering of the quotes that will invade my office tomorrow. I hope they encourage all my fellow employees to do something nice for someone else, take a risk, try something new, or just start saying something really funny so I can laugh just a little bit more every day. I hope they do the same for you.


“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” - Marianne Williamson

"There's only us. There's only this. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way. No day but today." - Jonathan Larson, Rent

"Tina, you fat lard, come get some dinner!" - Napoleon Dynamite

"And then it hit me - I'm outta rum." - Ellen DeGeneres

"When you've finished getting yourself ready in the morning, you must go get the planet ready." - The Little Prince

"Oh mother, I come bearing a gift! I'll give you a hint; it's in my diaper, and it's not a toaster. " - Stewie Griffin

"Everyone can suck it." - Kathy Griffin

"Oh Elle! You look like the 4th of July! Makes me want a hot dog real bad!" - Jennifer Coolidge as Paulette, Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, and Blonde

"Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a f%$#^&g dream, too.” - Sarah Silverman

"Life is like a movie. Write your own ending." - Kermit the Frog

"I can sum up our whole philosophy with this glass. I can look at this glass and say its half-full. Which in the modeling world means 'Where the hell is my waiter?!?!' Oh, shut up with the frieken Marco Polo, or I'll rip your little heads off!" - Drop Dead Gorgeous

"Those shoes are mine, betch." - Kelly

"Well, I hate you and your ass face!" - Waiting for Guffman

"Of course you can!" - Steel Magnolias

End quote.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

how to look classy at the beach

By Meg Jones
Guest Contributor
for lack of a better reaction (and the fact that you can't see a jaw drop in print)... O - M - G.

lets go through this step by step shall we? interview style (if by interview your understanding is commenting mercilessly without the offender being able to hear you)

WholesomeWear: "WholesomeWear is a modest line of clothing wear for "wherever."
Me: It's smart of you to let us know in your oblique way that you understand that "wherever" for you means - "when we let our children outside to see the light of day or socialize in any way." Good call.

WW: "Our WaterWear is first to be introduced because the need for modesty in swimwear is greatest and the supply is almost non-existent."
M: What you meant to say was - your "WaterWear" is the first to be introduced because no one else with a mind for business (or a sex drive!) would think for a second that anyone would want to buy this junk. The supply would be non-existent for the same reason. Just FYI

WW: "Swimwear that "highlights the face rather than the body" includes an undergarment with bright colors at the neck and shoulders to draw the eye to the face."
M: Ok - let me just say - no one, i repeat, NO ONE will be looking at your face when you're wearing one of those things. At least not at first. After wondering why in the hell someone would put that fugly suit on in the first place, MAYBE they'd look at your face to see what kind of freak would actually walk outside in one of those things - and thats just out of gross curiousity.

WW: "The spandex undergarment fits like a body suit, while the taslan outer garment limits cling and adds modesty and style. A single zipper unites both garments for swimming ease"
M: *sigh* THIS IS NOT SWIMMING EASE! Swimming ease would be swimming naked! THAT, my friend, is swimming at its easiest. Perhaps you have swimming confused with parasailing or hang gliding or a number of other things you could do with all of that unnecessary material. The single zipper, no doubt in place to keep the child locked into that contraption, and taslan (wtf?!) outer garment add neither modesty NOR style. Let's be honest here. Those neon colored dickies that are, good lord, on the bottom as well as the top are not in any way shape or form ever going to be stylish. True, people wore dickies at one point in time, but they went out in the 80's. And modesty, I mean c'mon now. Modesty practically went out the door in the 20's. No one has time for that anymore.

It may be quite stereotypical of me to assume that all of this "modest draw attention to your face we have 16 kids all named Jim-Bob crap" carries the stench of Mormons. Please explain to me - how in the HELL do you put on what looks like a circus elephant carcas, wear it OUTSIDE, and find someone willing to have SEX with you?! Forget those funky suits - THAT is the real mystery to me.

Sure - everyone wants someone who loves them for who they are - "Love my MIND and not just my LOOKS."
But please, people of the world - keep this in MIND - we still have to LOOK at you!

Monday, August 6, 2007

Kids are cute/Apparently I look like hell

On Saturday I went out to eat at one of my favorite restaurants with one of my favorite people when I ran off to the bathroom to TCOB (Take Care Of Business for those of you who aren't hip to the lingo). When I arrived at the bathroom, there was a boy who was ahead of me, about 8-10 years of age. We stood in silence for about 3 seconds before he gestured to the chain dangling from my back pocket.

"Is that your wallet?" he asked.
"Yes, yes it is," I replied.
He quickly pulled up the side of his shirt to reveal a plastic chain hooked to his pants which I assume was also attached to a wallet.
"I have one too," the boy said, "But mine is Power Rangers."
"Cool," I said weakly.
The boys eyes moved from my wallet to my keys hanging opposite of my wallet.
"Do you have a car?" the boy asked, wide eyed.
"Yes, I do." I said simply.
The boy paused for a moment and then glanced up at me again.
"How old are you?" he asked finally.
"I'm 23."
The boys face contorted as if he had just seen or heard something amazing. His mouth dropped open slightly.
"Really?" he said, puzzled, "I thought you were in your 30's."

I went on to say that I just graduated from college last year. We talked about college for a moment before the bathroom finally opened up and he went inside. I thought about how neat and inquisitive this kid was and how he had no fear to just ask a stranger tons of questions. I'm sure he's every teacher's little dream. But then I thought about how I looked like I was in my 30's. Maybe this kid has a distorted view of age, or maybe I just look like hell.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

The List (a Massive Update)

... my body is composed of about 70% water, 20% Pop Tarts and 10% of other things that keep me alive.

Raspberry Pop Tarts: * * * 1/2

Wild Berry Pop Tarts: * * * 1/2

Double Berry Pop Tarts: * * * *

Cherry Pop Tarts: * * *

Splitz Chocolate and Vanilla Pop Tarts: * * * *

T- Minus 41 days.

Friday, August 3, 2007

The Official JTT Rumor Mill

There are many things in this world that keep me awake at night: the war in Iraq, global poverty, environmental degradation, politics as usual, corporate takeovers, the consolidation of media ownership, etc. But the one thing that leaves me sleepless and agitated the most is a question that has plagued the world since the late 90's: where in the hell is Jonathan Taylor Thomas?

Where did this guy go? What is he doing? Does he hang out with Zachary Ty Bryan? For years now this former child star dropped off the radar. Sure he did a couple TV guest spots here and there, but he always managed to vanish without a trace leaving his loyal fans guessing. He has been a mystery. . .until now.

The Anchored Cubicle JTT Detectives are on the case! We have been on the look out for JTT, and we've spotted the former Home Improvement star in some interesting locales. But our findings come with mixed feelings. JTT is alive, we can tell you that much, but perhaps not well. Our sightings gave us more than we bargained for. The information and photos you are about to see may shock you. It might even amaze you. We ask that you venture with caution. These images have not been (completely) edited or modified.

Our JTT Detectives spotted him at a local Dungeons & Dragons tournament earlier this week, looking rather smug as an opponent played right into his hands. Apparently, JTT started getting into role playing games (RPGs as we heard him call them) after his time on ABC's Home Improvement. He said something about this game being another "extension of his acting ability"; being able to get lost in another role. Whatever the case, our JTT detectives have classified this finding as: PATHETIC. When he's not casting spells and trouncing fellow nerds in battle, JTT enjoys cramming his food hole with baked goods. The once trim and svelte young man, a level 10 Wizard in his magical world, has also become a level 12 Fat Ass. It's probably from the hours and hours of immobility.
After the tournament ended, we couldn't help but overhear JTT proclaiming his world renowned Nintendo abilities in the convention hall foyer. When our detectives arrived, they found JTT proudly dawning his Nintendo Overlord outfit. It was horrific. Much vomit was spilled. No one seemed to be impressed with him. Rather, most onlookers laughed, pointed fingers, and mocked his inability to find a cape that wasn't clearly a bath towel tied loosely around his neck. JTT, pride fading fast, attempted to shoot people with his Duck Hunt gun. When the quiet laughter turned to a deafening roar, Jonathan took swings as the worst offenders with his Power Glove. His slow movements allowed the would-be victims to dodge his punches easily. The crowd began to disperse, and JTT hurled insults at them and proclaimed he was the "Nintendo Master and all mortals must bow before him." No one paid any attention.

This first weeks finding was a sad one. We'll keep you posted on any and all JTT rumors. Remember to check back here. A-Cubed is your one stop for all the newest and hottest JTT rumors.