Monday, August 27, 2007

"I Will Most Likely Not Be Your Friend If...."

I will most likely not be your friend if you are not stable enough, as far as common sense in concerned, to be behind the wheel of a car. Learning to drive can be difficult for some, but the rules of the road that you usually will not find printed in your learner's permit handbook are practically intrinsic knowledge. Thats what the umbilical cord is for. Supplying both the essentials vital to your existence and common sense. If you were unlucky enough to not have enough of this "common sense" passed on to you - read the following carefully. If you are just a lazy ass who doesn't pay enough attention to their social surroundings and has not picked up on decent driving practices - stay away from me.

First of all, feel free to honk your horn. Seriously. IF you are alerting someone that they are about to run into you or someone/something else. That's just being a nice person. DO NOT under any circumstances honk your horn idly in traffic. Maybe I missed the new automobile technology memo, but when other car horns honk my car DOESN'T MOVE. It doesn't even budge. One of two things will happen. Someone else will honk back at you - because it always makes sense to respond to things in an equally childish way - or someone is going to get out of their car and beat you to death. There are crazy people out there. Don't honk your horn in traffic. I'm serious. You'll die.

Secondly, and I consider this the most important, learn what your brake and accelerator are/do and how to use them. I'll give you a hint - if you take your foot off of the accelerator YOUR CAR WILL SLOW DOWN. Unless you're riding the ass of the person in front of you, which is a whole other topic altogether, there is no need to hit your brake as soon as you see brake lights in front of you. Most of the time, the person in front of you is the exact type of person I'm talking about. It's a viscious cycle. Simply take your foot off of the gas. Your car will slow down, the person in front of you will eventually take their foot off of the brake, and things can resume. I will give you just a few exceptions to this rule/excuses you may use (if they are valid):

- you are headed towards a rapidly worsening multiple car pile-up
- for some reason there is an old lady on a rascal scooter traveling in your lane of traffic
- a spastic drunken squirrel running through the streets has won over your heart and you refuse to just run him over
- you are trying to communicate with me through morse code using cut brake light wires that you are locked in your trunk and someone is stealing your vehicle

otherwise TAKE YOUR FOOT OFF OF THE BRAKE YOU INCONSIDERATE ASSHOLE. A moving vehicle is not the time to tap your foot to the music if your foot is in direct contact with something that controls your car. Try tapping the steering wheel or hit yourself in the head for all I care. DO NOT slam on your brake, then inch toward the car in front of you repeatedly at stoplights. Everyone is slowing down - you'll be fine.

Traffic and braking are two things you just don't mess with. Why? Because these are times when your and other's cars are slowing down or stopped. A perfect time for some lunatic to get out of their car and not so gently explain to you what you are doing wrong. I said it once and I'll say it again. There are crazy people out there. Learn how to drive. Seriously. And don't have sex. You'll get chlamydia. And die.


K. Myers said...

...and DIE.

i love you. and i am a better driver because of this. (if that's even possible...)


Ashleigh said...

... it's not possible.

Maybe possible to be a better parker.

Andrew said...

And as a footnote: people who drive UNDER the speed limit should be excommunicated from society. . .and punched in the throat. . .twice. . .hard. . .by a guy with lots of rings encrusted with jewels. . .OK maybe 3 times.

K. Myers said...

thanks a lot, ashleigh!