Tuesday, August 7, 2007

how to look classy at the beach

By Meg Jones
Guest Contributor
for lack of a better reaction (and the fact that you can't see a jaw drop in print)... O - M - G.

lets go through this step by step shall we? interview style (if by interview your understanding is commenting mercilessly without the offender being able to hear you)

WholesomeWear: "WholesomeWear is a modest line of clothing wear for "wherever."
Me: It's smart of you to let us know in your oblique way that you understand that "wherever" for you means - "when we let our children outside to see the light of day or socialize in any way." Good call.

WW: "Our WaterWear is first to be introduced because the need for modesty in swimwear is greatest and the supply is almost non-existent."
M: What you meant to say was - your "WaterWear" is the first to be introduced because no one else with a mind for business (or a sex drive!) would think for a second that anyone would want to buy this junk. The supply would be non-existent for the same reason. Just FYI

WW: "Swimwear that "highlights the face rather than the body" includes an undergarment with bright colors at the neck and shoulders to draw the eye to the face."
M: Ok - let me just say - no one, i repeat, NO ONE will be looking at your face when you're wearing one of those things. At least not at first. After wondering why in the hell someone would put that fugly suit on in the first place, MAYBE they'd look at your face to see what kind of freak would actually walk outside in one of those things - and thats just out of gross curiousity.

WW: "The spandex undergarment fits like a body suit, while the taslan outer garment limits cling and adds modesty and style. A single zipper unites both garments for swimming ease"
M: *sigh* THIS IS NOT SWIMMING EASE! Swimming ease would be swimming naked! THAT, my friend, is swimming at its easiest. Perhaps you have swimming confused with parasailing or hang gliding or a number of other things you could do with all of that unnecessary material. The single zipper, no doubt in place to keep the child locked into that contraption, and taslan (wtf?!) outer garment add neither modesty NOR style. Let's be honest here. Those neon colored dickies that are, good lord, on the bottom as well as the top are not in any way shape or form ever going to be stylish. True, people wore dickies at one point in time, but they went out in the 80's. And modesty, I mean c'mon now. Modesty practically went out the door in the 20's. No one has time for that anymore.

It may be quite stereotypical of me to assume that all of this "modest draw attention to your face we have 16 kids all named Jim-Bob crap" carries the stench of Mormons. Please explain to me - how in the HELL do you put on what looks like a circus elephant carcas, wear it OUTSIDE, and find someone willing to have SEX with you?! Forget those funky suits - THAT is the real mystery to me.

Sure - everyone wants someone who loves them for who they are - "Love my MIND and not just my LOOKS."
But please, people of the world - keep this in MIND - we still have to LOOK at you!


Andrew said...

Sadly, the models that they chose to have their, um, faces accented. . .well, let's just say I'd rather look at the parachute they are all wrapped in. Yikes.

Megan said...

maybe we could come up with a line of casual wear for the photogenically challenged.
i feel like a plastic bag worn strategically, well... on your head would probably draw attention to other attributes.
we could call it butter-face.

Anonymous said...

hahaha so true. Wow. Is that advertisement REAL? There is not ONE good, uplifting aspect to that marketing strategy - nor the pieces being marketed!

Modesty is one thing - I respect people who dress APPROPRIATELY, and don't show so much skin that it's like having a naked body shoved onto you unwillingly.

However, modesty should NOT mean having physical disabilities because the clothes are so limiting, awkward, and abundant. How absurd. Even the Amish wear better clothes!