Friday, August 3, 2007

The Official JTT Rumor Mill

There are many things in this world that keep me awake at night: the war in Iraq, global poverty, environmental degradation, politics as usual, corporate takeovers, the consolidation of media ownership, etc. But the one thing that leaves me sleepless and agitated the most is a question that has plagued the world since the late 90's: where in the hell is Jonathan Taylor Thomas?

Where did this guy go? What is he doing? Does he hang out with Zachary Ty Bryan? For years now this former child star dropped off the radar. Sure he did a couple TV guest spots here and there, but he always managed to vanish without a trace leaving his loyal fans guessing. He has been a mystery. . .until now.

The Anchored Cubicle JTT Detectives are on the case! We have been on the look out for JTT, and we've spotted the former Home Improvement star in some interesting locales. But our findings come with mixed feelings. JTT is alive, we can tell you that much, but perhaps not well. Our sightings gave us more than we bargained for. The information and photos you are about to see may shock you. It might even amaze you. We ask that you venture with caution. These images have not been (completely) edited or modified.

Our JTT Detectives spotted him at a local Dungeons & Dragons tournament earlier this week, looking rather smug as an opponent played right into his hands. Apparently, JTT started getting into role playing games (RPGs as we heard him call them) after his time on ABC's Home Improvement. He said something about this game being another "extension of his acting ability"; being able to get lost in another role. Whatever the case, our JTT detectives have classified this finding as: PATHETIC. When he's not casting spells and trouncing fellow nerds in battle, JTT enjoys cramming his food hole with baked goods. The once trim and svelte young man, a level 10 Wizard in his magical world, has also become a level 12 Fat Ass. It's probably from the hours and hours of immobility.
After the tournament ended, we couldn't help but overhear JTT proclaiming his world renowned Nintendo abilities in the convention hall foyer. When our detectives arrived, they found JTT proudly dawning his Nintendo Overlord outfit. It was horrific. Much vomit was spilled. No one seemed to be impressed with him. Rather, most onlookers laughed, pointed fingers, and mocked his inability to find a cape that wasn't clearly a bath towel tied loosely around his neck. JTT, pride fading fast, attempted to shoot people with his Duck Hunt gun. When the quiet laughter turned to a deafening roar, Jonathan took swings as the worst offenders with his Power Glove. His slow movements allowed the would-be victims to dodge his punches easily. The crowd began to disperse, and JTT hurled insults at them and proclaimed he was the "Nintendo Master and all mortals must bow before him." No one paid any attention.

This first weeks finding was a sad one. We'll keep you posted on any and all JTT rumors. Remember to check back here. A-Cubed is your one stop for all the newest and hottest JTT rumors.

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