****EMERGENCY UPDATE****

ATTENTION!!!!!!!

Gmail now has GROUP CHAT available. It's like a chat room, except without all the child molesters and creeps. You can now chat with anyone who is currently a Google chat friend.

That is if you have MOZZILA FIREFOX. Download Firefox already!

I'm never doing work ever again.

Zac Hanson to be a Daddy (This is Not a Prank)

That's right. Zac Hanson joins his brothers in the ranks of Fatherhood. The youngest of the Hanson trio, and his wife Kate, are expecting their first child in May. The newest Baby Hanson will join Ezra, 5, Penelope, 2, River, 1 (middle brother Taylor, 24 and his wife Natalie's children) and Everett, 7 months (eldest brother Isaac, 27, and his wife Nicki's son). ... and they all tour together. Says People Magazine.

And I say:

Anyone who plans on mentioning anything about the Partridge Family or the Osmonds or any other wit- depraved comment centering on large and musically inclined families can just cancel the idea. Again, we, here at Anchored Cubicle support all things Hanson and all things babies. I propose a celebration!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Despite our cynicism and lack of Grape Pop-Tarts, we are very, very, thankful in every possible way.

Thanks,

Anchored Cubicle Writers.

The List: A Holiday Update

ATTENTION:

Kellogg's has come out with a limited edition Pop Tart and, of course, I have already eaten half of the 12-pack box I ordered off of E-bay the second I found out about them*.

Gingerbread Pop-Tarts - * * * * *





Yes, ladies and gents, we have a 5-Star-er (?)


* Edit: I would like to thank a good neighbor and friend for, this evening, bringing me a box of Gingerbread Pop-Tarts... that she bought... at the grocery store one mile from my house... that I regularly shop at... for about $8 less than my hasty E-bay purchase.

THE LIST: The Next Step

As many of you may know, Ashleigh embarked on a quest this past May to try and consume every Pop-Tart flavor available to the public. Thus began, The Great Pop-Tart Experiment. As many of you may also know, Kellogg's has discontinued the very LAST Pop-Tart that she needed to try: the very elusive Frosted Grape. Since this has come to our attention, we have been trying our damnedest to get our hands on a box. We have made very little progress. I recently wrote to Kellogg's and, like Ashleigh, got a negative response. Here is the letter:

Mr. ______,

Thank you for contacting us regarding Pop-Tarts® Frosted Grape.

We no longer sell this product. When there is low consumer demand, the business decision is usually made to discontinue its production. We have no current plans to reintroduce this item. We do regret to advise you that once the product is discontinued any product that was last produced is automatically shipped out to be sold to the public. Since we do not have any remaining product, we would be unable to sell any to you.

We appreciate your interest in our products.

Sincerely,


Miriam Cardenas
Consumer Affairs Department

Another dead end. Last night, I posted in the Food forum on Craigslist. I got about 6 responses, and one person said that they would look. We currently have people nationwide starting the search for any remaining shelved boxes of Frosted Grape Pop-Tarts. If you have been searching, we at Anchored Cubicle thank you. If you would like to search, please let us know which city and state you are looking in. There may be money in it for the person who finds a box.

This isn't over, Kellogg's. We've only just begun our search.

THE LIST WILL BE COMPLETED.

May I have your attention please?

Ahem.

In case it hasn't been reiterated enough, I will tell you one more time:

The phrase "Kewl Beans" is not allowed.

Period.

Thank you.

I Want To Be a Plumber When I Grow Up

My partner and I have lived in our condo for 2 years and have learned so much about home ownership during that time. At the moment, I've learned that I wish I wasn't a home owner.

Our condo, at the moment, is nothing but an endless cycle of brokenness. And yes, that is a real word. If anyone has seen the eighties-fabulous movie "The Money Pit" starring Tom Hanks and Shelley Long, you'll have an idea of what we have been going through. Granted, our bathtub hasn't fallen through the floor, but we are on the Terrace level, so there is no floor for it to fall through. But if there was, that bathtub would be long gone at this point. I am sure of it.

For instance, we just paid someone an exhorbitant amount of money to hang new closet doors which have been sitting in the corner for 3 months. Do you know what a simple task it is to hang closet doors? It really is easy. However, our condo consists of uneven walls, steel studs, and weak drywall. All of that adds up to equal one hefty price tag for a contractor to do it.

We are entering our second winter WITHOUT heat and we still do not know if it is because our air handler needs to be replaced ($2,500) or if it because of the Condo Association's system. We have been battling a year now to figure this out and have already invested $800 in upgrading our current system to see eliminate possible problems. Nothing has worked. A new air handler is on the horizon. Merry 'effing Christmas.

Just this weekend, our kitchen sink decided to become clogged. We could not think of what possibly could have gotten stuck. Well, a call to the plumber and $400 later*, we now know that a knotted piece of synthetic hair (aka WEAVE) was stuck in the pipes. My partner and I are both males with full heads of short hair - we have never used synthetic hair. That god forsaken piece of weave has been sitting in our pipes for over two years, just waiting to clog it. And that is the SECOND, yes, ladies and gentleman, second piece of weave to be pulled out of the drains in our condo. About a year after we moved in, my partner decided to try to fix the drain in the bathroom sink, which would would not depress, so that you could fill the sink with water. Well, after he ripped it out of the drain, we discovered this was so because a chunky piece of weave was wrapped around the bottom. Yum.

So, yes. Home ownership is a wonderful learning experience. Once you own a home, you fully learn the wonderful benefits of renting and how you wasted so much time and money going to college instead of learning a trade, like plumbing.

----------

*This was the second visit from Mr. Plumber. The first one cost $300 to remove a huge fish my partner flushed down the toilet and it got stuck.** Not necessarily the Condo's fault. However, the plumber did say that if the toilet wasn't so old, causing the pipes to be arranged differently, the fish would have easily been able to plunged out. I believe his words were "If there was a Toilet Musuem, this toilet would definitely be a star attraction."


**Why did he flush a fish, you might ask? Well, it was our fish wh was a huge, dirty, smelly, chiclid who was a miserable son-of-a-bitch. While I was on vacation, my partned tried to do something sweet and dispose of him. Flushing him was perhaps a little rash, as he was large enough to feed a family of four, but its the thought that counts.

10 Jobs I Would Gladly Try to Make a Living Doing

Buying good coffee and then drinking it.

Making homemade cards and selling them (or just sending them to friends. Either/or).

Writing haikus.

Listening to good music on my Ipod and then talking about it.

Leading a weekly Socratic discussion on The Office.

Watching my dog systematically destroy his stuffed giraffe.

Reading books from the used bookstore across the street and then recommending or not recommending them to people.

Trying every single Pop-Tart flavor and ranking them, using the 5-Star method (wait….)

Googlechatting.

Joining the old man who does Thai Chi in the park, near my house, on Saturdays, in his routine.

"I Will Most Likely Not Be Your Friend If. . ."

I will most likely not be your friend if you feel compelled to narrate every possible mundane thing you're doing or thinking. Really, it's obnoxious. It doesn't make you more important. Looking for a fork? Go right ahead. Can't seem to find a specific file? I don't care. Not sure why the printer is broken? By all means, fix it. But...EVERYONE IN THE OFFICE DOESN'T NEED TO HEAR YOUR EVERY WAKING THOUGHT. Can't you do anything in silence? Can't you walk 10 feet without broadcasting your mundane workaday office life?

Help me, Jesus.

The List: A Sad, Sad Story

I tried to scan this but it wouldn't work. This is the letter Kellogg's sent me after receiving my request for a box of discontinued Frosted Grape Pop-Tarts.
------


October 29, 2007


Ms. Ashleigh ___
address

address

Dear Ms. _____:


Thank you for your comments regarding Kellogg's (R) Pop-Tarts (R) Frosted Grape. Consumer satisfaction is important to us, and your interest in our products is sincerely appreciated.

This product is no longer marketed by our company, since consumer demand simply does not warrant its continued production. At this time, there are no plans to reintroduce this product. However, as an alternate, you might enjoy a similar product called Pop-Tarts Splitz tm Strawberry Blueberry. We are sending you a coupon so that you can try it!

We appreciate your interest and loyalty to our brands and trust that we will continue to meet your needs for many years to come.

Sincerely,

(horrible, computer generated signature)



Yesenia Sanchez
Consumer Affairs, Department

--------


My Thoughts:

1. I am truly impressed that Kellogg's actually wrote me a personal letter (we'll look over the faux-signature).

2. If you had paid attention to the photocopied insert of my Pop-Tarts list you'll see, Yesenia, that I have already tried the Splitz flavor. It received a 4 star rating.

3. In what world is a strawberry/blueberry mix a good substitute for Frosted Grape? Oh, that's right, a world in which your life revolves around marketing YOUR NEWEST PRODUCT and not pleasing the customer.

4. There is no enclosed coupon.

5. I did not ask you to "reintroduce" the product, I asked for a single box of Pop-Tarts. Details, details....

6. I'm going to search EBay.**

7. If you can't send me just one box of a product that you have, no doubt, just sitting around your warehouse, how will you ever be able to "continue to meet [my] needs for many years to come?

**EDIT: EBay was a bust

Famous? Have your own show? Enjoy your career? Here's a tip:

DON'T BE A RACIST DUMB ASS.

Yet again another celebrity finds it acceptable, and somehow wise, to go on a racist tirade like everyone in the world isn't going to hear about it three seconds after.

Duane Chapman, more commonly known as Dog the Bounty Hunter, in a taped conversation with his son, was heard discouraging his son from dating a black girl because Chapman frequently used the N word.

Here is a quote from the tape:

"I'm not going to take a chance ever in life of losing everything I've worked for 30 years because some f---in' n----r heard us say n----r and turned us into the Enquirer Magazine. Our career is over. I'm not taking that chance at all, never in life. Never. Never."

Oh the irony. He doesn't want to ruin his career by being an ignorant, racist bastard, but then he did. (Comical foghorn sound effect).

TIP: If you're a celebrity, someone is probably photographing/videotaping/wiretapping you right this very second. DON'T SAY ANYTHING DUMB. That is unless you feel like ruining your career. In that case, get your publicist started on that heartfelt apology that you don't mean. How can you be "disappointed" in yourself and be "ashamed" when you went on for at least five minutes about how you don't want your son dating a black girl because it's inconvenient to your use of racial slurs? Oh yeah, really sincere. Idiot. See you in syndication, Dog.

A Very Happy Halloween!! (from Anchored Cubicle)

Holla-ween

Pumpkin Pop-Tart

Who carved this one? So tastful, so bright, so .... those initials! GASP!!