Thursday, September 13, 2007

Ape Girls, You Know Who You Are

In every culture and form of civilization there are different social acceptances. In the time of the greeks, togas were high fashion and thongs were on everyone's feet; in the middle ages men wore kilts, and in the late 70's and early 80's, neon tights were all the rage. Even amongts people's actual physique there were standards to be upheld. All through time, men: tall, dark and handsome. Women, however have had the luck of variety. There were periods where being pasty pale as if a woman never had seen the light of day was considered beauty and now the appearance of timeless skin is the focal point. But NEVER in the history of mankind has it been acceptable for a woman to have a beard!! Yet still, there are some women that feel the need to flaunt their facial deformity.

Now as a male, I know women are and always will be "fuzzy." "Fuzzy" is acceptable. We get it; we aren't stupid. We know that women have a tendancy to have some sort of "barely noticable except when we cuddle close" fuzz. NO BIG DEAL. The problem comes when a woman who for whatever reason developes actual facial hair. I was horrified tonight to discover that a new woman on my shift actually has a "bootstrap" style beard! When i first met her, granted we work at night and the lighting here is below par to say the least, but needless to say, I failed to notice the beard. Tonight I spoke directly to her as the sun was coming up over DC. It was as though the sun itself brought the beard forth from her face. A solid bootstrap beard from ear to underchin to ear!

WOMEN, I CANNOT MAKE MYSELF ANY MORE CLEAR ON THE FOLLOWING POINT: Your husband loves you. Your children love you. Your parents love you. But if you look in the mirror, see your beard and do nothing about it, you are wrong and do not deserve the love of the afformentioned people.

There are two exceptions to this rule:
1. A women who is in the process of a sex change - it's a lengthy ordeal and we should all be sensitive to your frailties during this period
2. Ape Girl- a relative of the wolf man.

Please women: if you know someone or are "bff" with someone with unsightly facial hair, please be a true friend and inform them of their problem.

"Evil prevails when good men (*and women) do nothing."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...


A friend told me her mother's best friend has a beard. Full on, no shame beard. And has for years... It's distracting, but they're still close. I asked her "why doesn't your mom TELL her or even just HINT at the obvious beard and her need to REMOVE it?!" My friend turned to me and said "because she's single, and she's going to stay that way, so there's little point." Or something of that nature - not trying to be harsh, but I guess the beard wasn't the only symptom of living alone?

Sad day.

And for the men out there? Don't tell a lady she has a beard, just buy some facial nair and leave it by the sink.