Monday, September 10, 2007

Take that, (insert subculture here)!!!!

I just updated my MySpace bio. It was about time too. It had only been up there for like 2 years. Uhg. Anyway, I wanted to share with you all my new, er, bios. Enjoy.

Here are a variety of bios. Read accordingly, depending on what "group" or "subculture" you belong to.

Andrew's normal bio:
Andrew is a 23 year-old singer/songwriter from Chicago. He writes melodic acoustic songs about love, life, politics, and war. He has released one EP that has sold in the single digits. He hopes to release a new album in the next few months that people probably won't buy.

Andrew's emo/screamo bio:
Andrew has made it through 23 tear-soaked years only to find his black heart bleeding in the lonely Chicago area. His only friend, a guitar, accompanies him through the long, cold nights as he strums chords melodically with his black fingernails. As his long, trendy hair hangs over one eye, he whispers about his veins bleeding black bloody fiery blood. He sings "She broke my heart/Torn pictures lay across my darkened room/Swim in an ocean/An ocean of despair." Andrew is hoping to release an album that will detail the tragedies of his misery-laden life.

Andrew's metal bio:

Like the sound of a million dying souls on fire, Andrew lays down scorching riff after deafening scorching riff that obliterates all that is good and true. His life is set to the soundtrack of weeping demons who haunt every beat of his ever tortured heart. . .which is also blackened with hate. His heart, though ripped of all love, still thunders like an unrelenting double bass, as though the darkest of all black dying dead red bloody fiery skulls (with snakes coming out of the eyes) are about to burst from his chest and rain down sulfur and fear upon all his enemies, thereby causing them to die instantly. . .from PAIN. His next agony filled album is due out soon, and is tentatively titled The Bloody Agony of Black Death Hate Murder.

Andrew's high school girl bio:

OMG. Like no one understands me!!1 Its like totally like unfair. :( mY paretns are sooooo mean!@ anD i hate going to school. If it werent 4 my frends, i'd like totly hate it even MORE!! ROFL!!! <3 I luv muh frinds!! Im totaly learning to play the guiter and i'm writing a lot of songs about that special somoen ;) <3 tee HEE!! ^_^ but WTF is like they totaly dont even knwo i exist! :'( I'm going to record some of my osngs and call the ablum "WTF ROFL 4-EVA!!!!" ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andrew's pretentious hipster bio:

I was going to write a bio, but then I realized you wouldn't understand any of my references, jokes, influences, subtle humour, or intelligent observations about the music scene today. So I'm not going to waste my time. I'm going to go read the New Yorker and listen to my extensive rare vinyl collection on my vintage headphones and smoke my Parliaments.

Andrew's right-wing Christian bio:

First off, Andrew would like to thank George W. Bush . . . er, Jesus Christ for making it possible for him to play music. He has been blessed with gifts and abilities that he wishes to use to further the name of the Republican Par. . .I mean, God. Andrew's songs truly glorify his Heavenly Father. He does this by rhyming the words "love" and "sent from above" in every song. When he blesses the congregation with his songs, the Spirit just fills that place. I want to lift up a prayer right now. Father God, just, in this place it's just, tonight in this place just, we just want to worship you in this place Father God. Bless the President's Holy authoritarian rule in the White House. Give him wisdom to defeat evil in terrorist nations. Amen.

If you have a subculture you want me to skewer, left me know. Peace.


K. Myers said...

i think the high school girl is my fav. the republican christian is a close second.

Ashleigh said...


That's my very least favorite grammar mistake.

Megan said...


Anonymous said...


Stunned by the absolute poignancy and pure, raw hilarity of it all. Bravo, young chap, bravo. Now I want to be your myspace friend and see which one prevailed.

All are worthy of great acclaim :) But I must agree with "K.Myers"...

I am now trying to think of other categories you could portray - what about the classic rock obsessed? Or the homosexual who loves brittany spears? Or what about an opportunist business man who is always networking?

hahaha, just wanting more of the awesomeness you've already supplied.

Funny how people are, eh?