In Honor of Halloween...

In college I wrote for my school's newspaper and loved every second of it. So, I thought I'd share my current and previous thoughts on Halloween (specifically on costumes and females) in the form of an article I wrote two years ago.

Yes, that's the title of my article.

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Ho-lloween in Retrospect

I’m not sure about other members of the female community at _______ , but I for one was at a loss this year when it came to finding the perfect Halloween costume. I was embarrassed at parties. No one could figure out what I was dressed as because, I was dressed as myself. Lame. Looking around campus for future ideas, I noticed some of you outfitted yourselves with far better costumes than I could ever have dreamt up. So, after observing and collecting my thoughts I’ve come to a few conclusions about appropriate Halloween costumes for the female sex. After all, we live in a visual society and therefore must be careful. We wouldn’t want to offer up the wrong impression.

First, I believe that females are under the false impression that they can pick from only a few costumes. Ladies, we must learn to be original. Imagination is key. Try being a fairy, a princess, or maybe even a small furry animal (slight variations of these are ok), because frankly, I didn’t see enough of these running around this past Halloween. If you choose one of these uniforms, it is important to make sure you wear wings strapped across your back and a tiara firmly affixed on your head. What? Animals wear crowns sometimes too.

Secondly, you must be kosher. For example, don’t you dare be an Indian. That is disrespectful to the Native American community. Why not instead pay homage to medical professionals, religious communities, or even the armed forces? Dress as say, a scantily clad nurse or a sparsely clothed nun, or perhaps douse everything except your shiny and showing legs in army camouflage. These people spend their waking hours serving us, and in some cases God, so let’s honor them through our dress and holiday. I have other ideas for those of you not feeling up to the challenge of representing an actual working member of our society. You could be a Playboy bunny, or perhaps a stereotypical (and completely fabricated) French Maid. On second thought, you may not even have to demonstrate an actual person. My basic suggestion is to just pick a costume that centers completely around your chest and/or legs. They are, by themselves, costumes. Feminism was just a short phase in world history anyway.

Lastly, wear a truckload of makeup. In case you have forgotten, the purpose of makeup is NOT to accentuate, but to instead cover-up. Hide. Black eyeliner is good. Glitter is better. Glitter-fy your entire body. It will be an undeniably positive addition to the aforementioned costumes. We all know that nurses, nuns, and women in our countries service paint themselves up like dolls on a regular basis, so let’s portray them in this way. It’s high time they were shown some respect among college students.

So, as you can see it involves quite a bit of creativity and thought in order to select the perfect Halloween costume. Most importantly, we represent a lot more than we even realize. Happily, I think that by this time next year I will have definitely come up with a suitable costume that not only represents me as a person, but also nicely exposes my body as an object.

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I have not yet picked my costume for this year, but I am oh so open to suggestions.

UPDATE: While Whole Foods is Worth the Price

Please read above mentioned post if you haven't already.

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After my phone call and email of complaint to Giant, I have been called by the following people:

Customer Care Agent
The Shift Manager
The Assistant Store Manager
The District Manager
The Store Manager

They have all been really nice and apologetic.

BUT...

Nia will not be terminated. She received a stern talking to, the proper documentation was put in her file, and she has to attend diversity training sessions.

I am glad they are giving a lot of attention to this matter.

But, as I recall, I didn't ask them to try to make her a better person. I asked for her to be fired.

And, I have not been offered a Giant gift card. I mean, that's just common sense.

The Internet is kinda dumb

Ok, so maybe it's not the internet's fault. Maybe people just can't realize that there are certain ways to use the internet and certain ways to NOT use the internet. Yes - that is it. People are dumb in how they use the internet.

Case in point: our society is now full of internet social networking sites such as Myspace, Facebook and the like. I personally enjoy these sites for many reasons; but I also think they are responsible for many, many relationship issues that would not occur if people did not take these sites so seriously.

For example - if I post that I am in an "It's complicated" relationship with one of my GAY male friends, please do not frantically and excitedly ask if I'm seeeing someone. First of all - no one, and I do mean, NO ONE should take "it's complicated" relationships seriously. Secondly, he is GAY. And thirdly, since when does Facebook/Myspace determine my real-life status?

I also do not like the fact that certain individuals define their lives by their personal blog/myspace/facebook/etc. page. Let me remind you of this important fact: YOUR LIFE SHOULD NOT BE REVOLVED AROUND OR DETERMINED BY ANY SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE. If you think that for one second that these sites are what determines reality, you are sadly and pathetically mistaken. Do not take these sites seriously. PLEASE - it's just not worth it.

There are also several instances where an individual has been judged - sometimes wrongly, other times correctly - because of what they post on their website. We all do it. But for the most part, it's not a good path to take - ESPECIALLY when it's someone you know in person and know relatively well. Do not let their myspace/facebook/whatever define who you think they are as a person. Sometimes it's accurate, sometimes it is not. But don't make the mistake of judging someone wrongly- it's not good for anyone, especially if it's someone you love and care about.

Finally, I must make one comment, albeit quite hypocrital - do not use your public blog to slam others. This always looks pathetic, desperate, and immature. If you have feelings, scribble them down angrily in your emo hipster journal. But don't broadcast to the world how you feel about someone simply because you are too passive agressive to confront them to their face - you know, by using words and gestures and voice intonation, not typed letters and emoticons.

The internet is not dumb. People who use it wrongly are dumb. But you don't have to be one of those people. If you are, there's still hope - consult me later. I'll do my best to pull you out of your false sense of reality and bring you back to what the real world is like.

Why Whole Foods Is Worth The Price

I really don't want to bring down the mood of this funny, witty blog so I will try to make this as humourous as possible. I guess that's the best thing to do when you find yourself in situations like this.

Picture it: Giant Grocery store, Wisconsin Avenue, NW, Washington DC. One of the most affluent sections of the city. A young man stops into a grocery store, one he frequents quite often, as it is 3 blocks from where he works. He innocently buys a loaf of potato bread and some Chef Boyardee products, all of which will be used to create lunches for the week for both he and his partner. Yes, the young man is gay.

It is now 6:00 p.m. The young man is checking out in one of the Express Check-out lanes. Nia is his cashier. She is a young African-American woman*, very pretty, 18-22 years old, approximately. As she is passing the young man's groceries through the scanner, she says to a fellow cashier, in a very disgusted tone, "Gee, a lot of gay people come in here."

The young man freezes.

The other cashier says "What?"

Nia replies, "I said a lot of gay people come into Giant."

The other cashier chuckles and playfully tells her to "Shut up."

The young man signs his credit card receipt and glares at Nia.

I am that young gay man. And let me tell you...

Hell hath no fury like a gay man scorned.

Could I have confronted her right then and there? Yes.
Could I have screamed for the store manager? Totally.
Could I have bitch-slapped her into the middle of next week? Absolutely.

However, creating a scene would most likely just label me "crazy" and "hypersensitive."

So, I took another route. I walked to my car, pulled out my receipt, got the time of purchase, Terminal number and Cashier name. Pulled out my cell phone. I called the store manager. Told him the scenario and kindly requested that some sort of action take place. I thanked him and hung up. Drove the two blocks back to my office. Got onto Giant's corporate page and emailed them the situation and demanded that Nia's employment be terminated. I told them that if I ever went into that store again and saw Nia there I would take it as a sign that Giant does not take this type of bigotry and ridiculous customer service seriously and would never patronize Giant again. I went on to say that I would encourage the gay population of DC through its many publications, organizations and network, to discontinue shopping at Giant. And let me tell you. They would listen. Don't piss off the gay community. When push comes to shove, we stick together.

It is my quest to get that girl fired and I will not rest until I have confirmation that she is making chicken sandwiches at Chick-Fil-A. She'll fit in nicely there - they hate the gays. I will protest outside Giant all by my little gay self to make this happen.

If anyone reading this goes to the Giant on Wisconsin Avenue in Washington, DC and happens to see Nia, please tell her that yes, gay people do come into Giant all the time. If you're not gay, tell her that a gay person sent you and wanted you to tell her "hi."

Then slap the bitch upside the head.


*I only include the fact that she is African American to illustrate the irony of one minority discrimminating against another, particularly since her remarks illustrate the exact same kind of prejudice and response African Americans fought so hard (and still fight today) to over come.

The List: An Update

So, to start this off, please refer to this site:

http://mr-blob.blogspot.com/2007/05/awful-news.html

To end this off, please refer to the letter I have written to Kellogg's (maker of Pop Tarts):

Dear Kellogg Company:

Good afternoon! About seven months ago I set out on a very important quest to try every single Pop-Tart flavor in existence, rate each one, and determine the very best flavor. I’m not kidding around. There is a list, including every flavor, stuck between my refrigerator and a smiley face magnet in my kitchen. The system I chose to rate each kind of Pop-Tart is the age-old, elementary school approach: The Five Star Method. For example, Hot Chocolate Pop-Tarts have received a 4.5 Star Rating, while Strawberry Cheese Danish Pop-Tarts received a 2 Star Rating. This is, of course, based on personal preference.
However, I seem to have reached a block in the road. I have one flavor left to try on my list and as fate would have it, Grape Pop-Tarts have been discontinued. All this being said, I am wondering if Kelloggs Company would be willing to donate a box of Grape Pop-Tarts to me, so that I can finish my self proclaimed challenge. Obviously, I am a huge Pop-Tarts fan. Thank you so much for your consideration and I very much look forward to hearing from you.


Best,


Ashleigh Hill

Also, I realize, for those of you keeping track, that I have two flavors left to try. Tonight I will be driving to a grocery store 15 miles from my home to buy Chocolate Caramel Pop Tarts.

Dedication.

DAMMIT GOOGLE.

Job hunting is a pain in the ass. And you know what, Google? You're not helping me out! Thanks for nothing, Google. Those search results SUCKED. I'm not interested in Anime OR idiots looking for a basic digital camera. Also, NOT very helpful to throw a site at me where someone talks about how they love their job. Is that sarcasm, Google? You know what? You're being kind of an asshole. I don't appreciate it. I'm being serious here. I'm not messing around. I'm looking for a JOB, not a site about STEVE JOBS. Steve Jobs probably won't hire me...scratch that, he DEFINITELY won't hire me. I'm getting more and more pissed off by the day and you come back with www.suck-my-big.org? Not cool. Is that going to give me two monthly paychecks and a decent benefits package? How about a salary? Will that website pay my bills, Google? Interesting. I didn't think so. I'm looking for something in my field. Something that is somewhat related to what I studied for FOUR YEARS at a university. How does someone complaining about crappy college comedians help me? You're right, Google, it doesn't help me. If it weren't for Google chat, I would end this relationship.

Bad Ass of the Week: Tyler Warman

Take a look at these crappy pictures. Please notice that the red car is parked directly behind the gray car, blocking it's exit. Please notice my roommate, Tyler, smiling.

Here's the story: We pay every month to park in the parking spot that the pictured gray car is sitting in. Correction: We pay every month for Tyler's red car to park in the spot that the pictured gray car is sitting in.

Problem. This has been happening a lot lately. So much, in fact, that my other roommate, Beth, has the towing company in her cell phone address book (another notable bad ass activity). Unfortunately, the car usually wises up and leaves with it's owner before the towing company arrives, creating anger deep within all of us.

So, this is what Tyler did. She blocked the car in, wrote a note detailing their fault, and her contact information (in case they should return and want to move their car), and then called the towing company explaining that she would be happy to move her car when they arrived.

Well, this time, the towers got there before the driver, dragging the car out of the spot, and dinging the front bumper on the curb.

Since then, we have had no other problems keeping our parking spot free of violators.

"I Will Most Likely Not Be Your Friend If. . ."

I will most likely not be your friend if you post one of those fake $500 Macy's gift cards on MySpace page. Seriously. I will kick your ass. We all know the one. "Hey, whats uP? OMG I just got this and i toatly thouht it was fake until I got mine in the mail!!1 ROFL and its reaL!! I just bought like tons of useless crap!? Oh muh GawD!!1" There are various gift card scams like this and they all piss me off. But what pisses me off the most is the illusion of a real comment on my MySpace page. I sign on, see "New Comments!" and I think, "Surely I have a friend who left a comment affirming me and our friendship." But wait. . .no, it's 16 year old >!*Chelsey*^*Raye*!< from Texas. DAMMIT. I don't even know you but you're probably lame anyway. What do people get out of this anyway? Is it some sort of pyramid scheme? Who thinks they're helping people by actually sending these? WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE?

Concert Etiquette

Gather 'round children. Aunt Megan wants to talk to you...

In my ongoing effort to educate today's youth in subjects that truly matter, I have created a list (which I encourage all of you to add to) of things I would consider basic concert etiquette. Let's go over them shall we...

#1 - DO NOT yell out song requests. If you are unfamiliar with the concept of a set list, please familiarize yourself before attending another live show. In the unusual circumstance that the artist actually asks you to yell out a request you may overlook this rule. Otherwise, they probably have a set list and they will most likely stick to it, so keep your mouth shut.

#2 - DO NOT scream "I love you" at whoever may be onstage. They know how much money they're making and everyone else in the audience knows how much you paid for your ticket. We could all safely assume in this case that you wouldn't have paid to come see the show if you didn't like the performer. If we're assuming incorrectly, feel free to scream "I don't belong here." This rule includes all derivatives of "I love you" - "You're so hot," "I want to have your baby," and "You f**king rock" are good examples.

#3 - Most concert goers are aware that there are some people who do not watch the show so much as just film or record. If you must, don't stand in front of me with your camera held up directly in front of my face. If any one of us wanted to watch the show on a 2-inch screen we could have stayed at home and waited for someone to post clips on youtube.
More importantly, and this serves as your first and only warning, do not show up to a show and take myspace profile-esque pictures of yourself and your friends the entire night. Especially if you are near me and my friends - we will make you feel and look like complete and utter inconsiderate idiots in front of the entire crowd.. shamelessly and without a second thought. I'm not kidding.

#4 - Some of you may be aware of what I like to call the shrinking crowd. I don't mean shrinking in number - I mean shrinking as if slowly becoming vacuum sealed. When you stand in a crowd for a period of time with your arms crossed and suddenly there isn't room enough to put your arms back at your sides, you will understand what I mean. If you find yourself in this type of crowd DO NOT leave your spot. If you have to go to the bathroom - control yourself. If you're walking away from your significant other for just a minute - go ahead and say goodbye. You're not getting back in. If people let you back in, consider yourself lucky. You shouldn't even put people in the position to have to decide whether to let you back in. It's rude. You make us look like the assholes and that's just lame.
And if you're going to get a drink from the bar - don't even think you're going to get back in your spot just to spill it all over everyone. All of you may as well form a group in the back with the really tall kids. You're 8 feet tall and you're gonna stand right in front of me - seriously? Your girlfriend is short... I don't care. Put that chick on your shoulders and move on.

#5 - Speaking of girlfriend... you don't come to a live show to make out, ok? This isn't LookOut Point or whateverthehell those places are called in the movies. Put on the album in your car in the parking lot and have at it. I don't care. Just don't bring it into the venue. PDA-induced nausea doesn't look good on anyone.

#6 - This one may be a little hard to swallow and it is quite flexible - to an extent. My frustrations with this rule usually surface after #s 1-5 have been broken. That said - This is a live show, not choir practice. You had plenty of time in the shower and the car to get that all out of your system before you got here. You can sing along to the songs on the album anytime you want. When you pay to hear someone play/sing live - you want to hear them play/sing live. I don't want to hear you. You're ruining it for everyone. You think you sing well? Really? You probably don't. Oh, well they lied to you... shut it! And don't you dare let any of us catch you with a hand in the air and one finger in your ear. You don't have an earpiece in "Mariah" and this isn't the damn VMA's. Give it up.

#7 - We all realize that live shows are usually pretty close quarters. (see #4) That said, you know what... if you can help it, don't touch me at all. Look at my face - Do I look like I want to mosh? Jump up and down? No? Good - we understand each other. All I ask is that you consider the show you're at and if you truly belong there. If there is someone onstage singing and the only other thing on the stage is a piano - don't start pushing me. Wrong show, my friend. If you are jumping up and down and NO ONE ELSE IS - not even any member of the band - for the love of everything holy take your Ritalin before you leave the house.

#8 - I know they said it was an all ages show. It's not. That, my dear, is an opinion belonging solely to the capitalist venue. If you ask any member of the audience - It is NOT an all ages show. We don't want you here. No, seriously. If we had our way those shows wouldn't exist. And don't say "if you don't like it, don't come." Believe me, seeing ALL AGES at the bottom of a concert listing is definitely a deterrent. I deal with it because I was once in your position. So with a little bit of leniency for #8 I will say - to those of you youngsters who are willing to become better audience members and, let's face it - citizens, really - read the rules, practice them, and you are more than welcome to join the rest of us.

Quick Sidenote *ahem* I would like to dedicate this post especially, if not entirely, to Andrew Phelan. Please accept my apologies for failing to adequately contribute, as of late, to this wonderful blog and my thanks for allowing me to continue on as a member. I hope you have enjoyed the product of my recent invisibility.

Mission Mountain Family Programming

A First Time For Everything

I printed out a Nickelback guitar tab today. I never thought I'd ever do this.

Ever.

But I did.

No, I don't like them now. I'm insulted that you would assume such a thing. I'm still on your side.

I will explain later.

Chad Kroger is a douche.

Haicube

Bored
A Haiku by Andrew

I'm going to sit
And do nothing all day long
My boss won't notice

UPS
A Haiku by Ashleigh

UPS, downstairs.
Me and a box, three floors up,
Tape sticking to us.

Co-worker
A Haiku by Andrew

Oh great, here he comes
Try not to make eye contact
That joke was awful

The Executive Assistant
A Haiku by Ashleigh

Shar gets to her desk
At 5 a.m., leaves at 2.
That's ridiculous.

Pay check
A Haiku by Andrew

Direct deposit?
You never had it, jack ass
Morons, all of 'em

Awesome and Necessary Facebook Group Found on Company Time #7

ANY PAST RELATIONSHIPS U WISH U COULD RE-DO??

Alright. You know the drill.

Join this group and maybe, just maybe that special someone you wish you could start over with will get the hint, cave, and come running back to you with lots of gifts and forgivness... because we all know that's how it works.

Passive-aggressive remorse. This act will match perfectly with the Copeland and/or Dashboard Confessional lyrics that are typed at the very bottom of your AIM profile. Come on everyone! Join this group and we can all discuss our mistakes, regrets, and dwell on them together.