Concert Etiquette

Gather 'round children. Aunt Megan wants to talk to you...

In my ongoing effort to educate today's youth in subjects that truly matter, I have created a list (which I encourage all of you to add to) of things I would consider basic concert etiquette. Let's go over them shall we...

#1 - DO NOT yell out song requests. If you are unfamiliar with the concept of a set list, please familiarize yourself before attending another live show. In the unusual circumstance that the artist actually asks you to yell out a request you may overlook this rule. Otherwise, they probably have a set list and they will most likely stick to it, so keep your mouth shut.

#2 - DO NOT scream "I love you" at whoever may be onstage. They know how much money they're making and everyone else in the audience knows how much you paid for your ticket. We could all safely assume in this case that you wouldn't have paid to come see the show if you didn't like the performer. If we're assuming incorrectly, feel free to scream "I don't belong here." This rule includes all derivatives of "I love you" - "You're so hot," "I want to have your baby," and "You f**king rock" are good examples.

#3 - Most concert goers are aware that there are some people who do not watch the show so much as just film or record. If you must, don't stand in front of me with your camera held up directly in front of my face. If any one of us wanted to watch the show on a 2-inch screen we could have stayed at home and waited for someone to post clips on youtube.
More importantly, and this serves as your first and only warning, do not show up to a show and take myspace profile-esque pictures of yourself and your friends the entire night. Especially if you are near me and my friends - we will make you feel and look like complete and utter inconsiderate idiots in front of the entire crowd.. shamelessly and without a second thought. I'm not kidding.

#4 - Some of you may be aware of what I like to call the shrinking crowd. I don't mean shrinking in number - I mean shrinking as if slowly becoming vacuum sealed. When you stand in a crowd for a period of time with your arms crossed and suddenly there isn't room enough to put your arms back at your sides, you will understand what I mean. If you find yourself in this type of crowd DO NOT leave your spot. If you have to go to the bathroom - control yourself. If you're walking away from your significant other for just a minute - go ahead and say goodbye. You're not getting back in. If people let you back in, consider yourself lucky. You shouldn't even put people in the position to have to decide whether to let you back in. It's rude. You make us look like the assholes and that's just lame.
And if you're going to get a drink from the bar - don't even think you're going to get back in your spot just to spill it all over everyone. All of you may as well form a group in the back with the really tall kids. You're 8 feet tall and you're gonna stand right in front of me - seriously? Your girlfriend is short... I don't care. Put that chick on your shoulders and move on.

#5 - Speaking of girlfriend... you don't come to a live show to make out, ok? This isn't LookOut Point or whateverthehell those places are called in the movies. Put on the album in your car in the parking lot and have at it. I don't care. Just don't bring it into the venue. PDA-induced nausea doesn't look good on anyone.

#6 - This one may be a little hard to swallow and it is quite flexible - to an extent. My frustrations with this rule usually surface after #s 1-5 have been broken. That said - This is a live show, not choir practice. You had plenty of time in the shower and the car to get that all out of your system before you got here. You can sing along to the songs on the album anytime you want. When you pay to hear someone play/sing live - you want to hear them play/sing live. I don't want to hear you. You're ruining it for everyone. You think you sing well? Really? You probably don't. Oh, well they lied to you... shut it! And don't you dare let any of us catch you with a hand in the air and one finger in your ear. You don't have an earpiece in "Mariah" and this isn't the damn VMA's. Give it up.

#7 - We all realize that live shows are usually pretty close quarters. (see #4) That said, you know what... if you can help it, don't touch me at all. Look at my face - Do I look like I want to mosh? Jump up and down? No? Good - we understand each other. All I ask is that you consider the show you're at and if you truly belong there. If there is someone onstage singing and the only other thing on the stage is a piano - don't start pushing me. Wrong show, my friend. If you are jumping up and down and NO ONE ELSE IS - not even any member of the band - for the love of everything holy take your Ritalin before you leave the house.

#8 - I know they said it was an all ages show. It's not. That, my dear, is an opinion belonging solely to the capitalist venue. If you ask any member of the audience - It is NOT an all ages show. We don't want you here. No, seriously. If we had our way those shows wouldn't exist. And don't say "if you don't like it, don't come." Believe me, seeing ALL AGES at the bottom of a concert listing is definitely a deterrent. I deal with it because I was once in your position. So with a little bit of leniency for #8 I will say - to those of you youngsters who are willing to become better audience members and, let's face it - citizens, really - read the rules, practice them, and you are more than welcome to join the rest of us.

Quick Sidenote *ahem* I would like to dedicate this post especially, if not entirely, to Andrew Phelan. Please accept my apologies for failing to adequately contribute, as of late, to this wonderful blog and my thanks for allowing me to continue on as a member. I hope you have enjoyed the product of my recent invisibility.