In Honor of Halloween...

In college I wrote for my school's newspaper and loved every second of it. So, I thought I'd share my current and previous thoughts on Halloween (specifically on costumes and females) in the form of an article I wrote two years ago.

Yes, that's the title of my article.

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Ho-lloween in Retrospect

I’m not sure about other members of the female community at _______ , but I for one was at a loss this year when it came to finding the perfect Halloween costume. I was embarrassed at parties. No one could figure out what I was dressed as because, I was dressed as myself. Lame. Looking around campus for future ideas, I noticed some of you outfitted yourselves with far better costumes than I could ever have dreamt up. So, after observing and collecting my thoughts I’ve come to a few conclusions about appropriate Halloween costumes for the female sex. After all, we live in a visual society and therefore must be careful. We wouldn’t want to offer up the wrong impression.

First, I believe that females are under the false impression that they can pick from only a few costumes. Ladies, we must learn to be original. Imagination is key. Try being a fairy, a princess, or maybe even a small furry animal (slight variations of these are ok), because frankly, I didn’t see enough of these running around this past Halloween. If you choose one of these uniforms, it is important to make sure you wear wings strapped across your back and a tiara firmly affixed on your head. What? Animals wear crowns sometimes too.

Secondly, you must be kosher. For example, don’t you dare be an Indian. That is disrespectful to the Native American community. Why not instead pay homage to medical professionals, religious communities, or even the armed forces? Dress as say, a scantily clad nurse or a sparsely clothed nun, or perhaps douse everything except your shiny and showing legs in army camouflage. These people spend their waking hours serving us, and in some cases God, so let’s honor them through our dress and holiday. I have other ideas for those of you not feeling up to the challenge of representing an actual working member of our society. You could be a Playboy bunny, or perhaps a stereotypical (and completely fabricated) French Maid. On second thought, you may not even have to demonstrate an actual person. My basic suggestion is to just pick a costume that centers completely around your chest and/or legs. They are, by themselves, costumes. Feminism was just a short phase in world history anyway.

Lastly, wear a truckload of makeup. In case you have forgotten, the purpose of makeup is NOT to accentuate, but to instead cover-up. Hide. Black eyeliner is good. Glitter is better. Glitter-fy your entire body. It will be an undeniably positive addition to the aforementioned costumes. We all know that nurses, nuns, and women in our countries service paint themselves up like dolls on a regular basis, so let’s portray them in this way. It’s high time they were shown some respect among college students.

So, as you can see it involves quite a bit of creativity and thought in order to select the perfect Halloween costume. Most importantly, we represent a lot more than we even realize. Happily, I think that by this time next year I will have definitely come up with a suitable costume that not only represents me as a person, but also nicely exposes my body as an object.

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I have not yet picked my costume for this year, but I am oh so open to suggestions.