Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Paula, puh-lease!

I'm sure everyone has heard the news - Paula Abdul broke her nose when she fell, trying to avoid stepping on her chihuahua Tulip. According to reports, she also suffered bruises on her arms and legs.

Apparently, we can add "I was trying not to step on my dog" to the world's long-line of standard, generic, lame excuses that can be used to explain a wide-variety of embarrasing occurences. In Paula's case, she was obviously drunk off her ass. I mean, what the hell was her dog doing under her feet that caused her to not only fall, but fall so fast and so suddenly that she fell smack on her pretty little schnoz and didn't have the time or reflexes to put her flippin' hands down to break her fall.

I can just imagine the meeting she had with her publicist about formulating an excuse for the broken nose. I can see Paula sitting there, sloshing the celery stick around in her Bloody Mary while organizing her weekly pills in her extra-large pill box as her publicist is scrubbing the vomit and blood stains off the carpet (because you know when she fell she just lay there all night in a pool of blood and puke). All of a sudden little Tulip comes trotting in to try to lick up some vomit, and the publicist cries out triumphantly "Blame it on the dog!"

Its funny how when people are in desperate situations where they're trying to cover something up, the dumbest things seem so logical. We've all been there. My shining moment was at the beginning of my freshman year of college. I received a rather large hickey on the back of my neck (I was 18 and dumb) and the next day, I went to visit my aunt and grandmother who lived nearby. My grandmother asked "What's that on your neck?", to which I replied "Oh...I fell on the barre in ballet class and brusied myself." I was quite proud of this response. I was a music theater major in college and had to take ballet...and I loved it (I'm here, I'm queer, blah blah)... so this answer did make sense on a certain level. I mean, its not like I tried to pass it off as a football injury or something. In reality, I would have had to be pretty "talented" to brusie myself on the lower back of my neck by falling on a 4 foot high ballet barre. My grandmother took a few seconds to process my reply and sort of just walked away. She probably didn't even know what a ballet barre was but I think she figured out that I was full of it.

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