"I Will Most Likely Not Be Your Friend If. . ."

I will most likely not being your friend if you in anyway contribute to the creation of yet another CGI family film about anthropomorphic animals on an adventure in a city/zoo/tropical location/arctic location/African location/any location with voiceovers done by B-celebrity actors. We get it Dreamworks Animation/Pixar/Sony Pictures Animation: the animals talk and it’s silly.

I’ve had just about enough. How do we forget that we’ve seen this movie before? It came out last year! Same movie, different title. “But Andrew, this movie was in a suburb, not a city! LOL!” It’s people with this train of thought that will continue to spread the seed of idiocy through our already cerebrally challenged culture. What goes through people’s mind as they watch these movies?

“Oh look at the squirrel! Isn’t he cute! Look at what he’s doing! Ha ha! A real squirrel wouldn’t do that! That’s why I’m laughing! Because it’s so impossibly cute! Now what’s that cuddly little raccoon doing? He’s talking? TO THE SQUIRREL?!?!? Now wait a second! That’s just uproariously comical! Animals can’t really speak English, but these animals are! I’ve never seen animals talk to each other like this! Well, not since Madagascar, Over the Hedge, Ice Age, Ice Age: The Meltdown, Happy Feet, The Wild, Open Season, Surf’s Up, Shrek 1-3, Chicken Little, Chicken Run, Barnyard, The Ant Bully, Finding Nemo, Shark Tale, Antz, or A Bugs Life. Whichever movie about talking animals comes out next, I’ll enjoy it as much as the previous original, one of a kind masterpiece! LOL”

Seriously. There were more than 10 movies in 2006 that featured CGI talking animals. That’s unacceptable. Also, last time I checked, I wasn’t about to befriend a raccoon. They’re kind of assholes. Maybe we breed ‘em bigger in the city, but they’re not friendly. If these movies teach kids anything, it’s that all animals talk and want to be your friend. NOT TRUE. If a child tried to pet a Great White Shark, that child would die. If they tried to hug a bear, the bear would punch the kid in the face with it's unfriendly child-killing paw. If they tried to pick up a penguin, they’d probably have their eyes pecked out. And another thing, why are we all of a sudden obsessed with penguins? Are we just about through with the penguins, or do we need about 19 more movies before it’s completely dead? Sigh. I weep for our culture.