Ten Things I've Learned at Work That Will Help Me Be a Less-Moronic Person In the Future

I have learned the following 10 things from my co-workers in the past few months. These are all things that I have observed others doing and I am taking these valuable-lessons with me when I leave this job next month. I hope you'll do the same.

1. Walking very quickly and stomping your feet around the office will not give others the impression that you are important/busy/in-charge/well-liked/or anything other than a high-strung person who walks like an elephant.

2. When leaving a message for a colleague, trying to explain why you haven't returned the important, work-related, time-sensitive phone call, do not quote Bible passages in your lame excuse. Its just rude and abusive...the Bible was not intended to be used as a cover for your inconsiderate ass.

3. Do not wear a purple business suit. Ever.

4. Do not tell a co-worker they have bad posture, especially when they have near-perfect posture from years of studying ballet. And, even more especially, do not do this when you yourself have the beginnings of a hump back...and split ends.

5. If you are someones supervisor, acknowledge their presence and speak to them more than twice a month. Even if its just to say "hi" or "Oh, you're still here?"

6. Never send an email to someone asking them to ask someone else to print out a copy of a document and then CC the person you'd like to be asked to print out the document, as well as everyone else in the department. This is rude and a clear sign of being on some sort of egotistical power trip. You are also wasting every one's time.

7. Turn your cell phone to silent when at work. Your co-workers should not be subjected to listening to "This Little Light Of Mine" over and over again because your adult son cannot take a sip of water without your input.

8. The term "Other duties as assigned" is included in every job description, no matter what the position is. The Emancipation Proclamation was signed in the 19th century and banned slavery, so keep that in mind when mulling over duties that could fall in this category. For instance, having someone go and buy your lunch because you're too busy stomping around the office, quoting Bible passages on people's voice mails, wearing purple suits, criticizing someone, ignoring people, sending rude, condescending emails and wasting people's time, or failing to answer your ever-ringing cell phone, is not an acceptable "other" duty.

9. It is not appropriate to constantly stare at the crotch and gluteus maximus regions of your twenty-something male co-worker while asking inappropriate personal questions. It does not matter that you are old and most likely senile.

10. If someone offers you a job and the word "worship" is anywhere in your job title or department name, kindly say "No thank you" and report to your local Unemployment Agency.